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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Laughin' With Leno, Letterman & More

Jul 28, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well, President Bush says the economy is basically sound. Here’s one of those situations where your mileage may vary.”


Jay Leno: “President Bush went on to say today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either.”

Jay Leno: “See Barack Obama on the news? He’s becoming a workout fanatic. He’s at the gym, like, twice a day, sometimes three times a day at the gym, yeah, according to his staff. Well, he has to stay in shape to do those flip-flops.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, but President Bush,” he also “works out a lot. He’s very fit. … The country’s in bad shape but, oh, he’s riding that bike every day.”

Jay Leno: “And John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It’s eight.”

Jay Leno: “And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash.”

Jay Leno: “The Dalai Lama says while he loves President Bush, he feels President Bush has a lack of understanding about reality. And in response, President Bush said today, ‘Yeah, right, like there’s such a thing as a talking llama.’”

Jay Leno: “Hey, new Batman movie opens tonight. … In this one, Batman faces the most evil villain yet, a Countrywide Mortgage lender.”

David Letterman: “Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig,” who turns “63 years old on Sunday. … He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls.”

David Letterman: “You see a lot of strange, interesting things in New York City. For example, on my lunch hour today, I walked up through Central Park. And this was crazy. I saw Jesse Jackson” going “after a squirrel’s nuts.”

Conan O’Brien: “We’re doing things a little differently tonight…because Sen. John McCain is here. … You see, normally on Friday, we would tape our show at 4:30. But to accommodate Sen. McCain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Yeah. Yeah, Sen. McCain wasn’t available at 4:30 because that’s when he eats dinner.”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush’s time in office as quote, ‘a total failure.’” Bush “defended himself, saying, ‘Oh, come on, I’ve hardly spent any time in my office.’”

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