Late-Night Laughs

Jimmy Fallon: "After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House."

Jay Leno: "One of the most talked about Super Bowl commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re down $15 trillion."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran’s central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I’ve got a better idea: How about sanctions against our banks for deceptive practices?"

Jay Leno: "According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It's always the voters who get screwed."

Jimmy Fallon: ‎"Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’"

Jimmy Kimmel: "In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state."

Stephen Colbert: ‎"Mitt didn't just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt's tax rate."

Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney's campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That's just to protect him from Newt Gingrich."

Jay Leno: "The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list."

Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it."

David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the moon."

Craig Ferguson: "Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the 'Goldilocks candidate.' Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge."

Jimmy Fallon: "An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years."

Stephen Colbert: "Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney in South Carolina. Gingrich sealed his victory in last week’s debates by going after America’s most dangerous enemy: debate moderators."

Jay Leno: "Newt lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office."

Conan O'Brien: "Mitt Romney released his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows."

Jay Leno: "Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney."