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July 2008 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-Night Humor

Jul 29, 2008
Jay Leno: “As you all know, Barack Obama is over in the Middle East. Hey, did you see him playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? … Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets is now a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again.”

 

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama, very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of ‘The New Yorker.’”

Jay Leno: “Well, this is Barack’s third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home.”

Jay Leno: “John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press were out of the country covering Obama.”

Jay Leno: “You know, you’ve got to feel kind of sorry for McCain. I mean, all day on TV, they show nothing but footage of Barack Obama touring the Middle East, being with the troops in Afghanistan, meeting with troops in Iraq. The only time I saw McCain on TV was when Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on the ‘Today’ show.”

Jay Leno: “A lot of people think to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most people think it’s going to be Mitt Romney. … See, I don’t know” about that, because “when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn’t it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into a reverse mortgage?”

Jay Leno: “And yesterday, President Bush gave the US Olympic Team a rousing sendoff to the Olympics. Again, I don’t think President Bush is that up on geography. Like, he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside down.”

David Letterman: “Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency ‘a total failure.’ … I think he’s done okay, if you don’t count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis,” the “deficit, gas prices, Hurricane Katrina, illegal wire tapping, the national debt, tainted food, failure to catch bin Laden, CIA Leak. Other than that, I think it’s been pretty good.”

David Letterman: “John McCain…said” recently that Iraq and Afghanistan share a common border, and “I thought, well no wonder we can’t find Osama bin Laden. We’ve been searching an imaginary border.’”


Laughin' With Leno, Letterman & More

Jul 28, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well, President Bush says the economy is basically sound. Here’s one of those situations where your mileage may vary.”

 

Jay Leno: “President Bush went on to say today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either.”

Jay Leno: “See Barack Obama on the news? He’s becoming a workout fanatic. He’s at the gym, like, twice a day, sometimes three times a day at the gym, yeah, according to his staff. Well, he has to stay in shape to do those flip-flops.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, but President Bush,” he also “works out a lot. He’s very fit. … The country’s in bad shape but, oh, he’s riding that bike every day.”

Jay Leno: “And John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It’s eight.”

Jay Leno: “And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash.”

Jay Leno: “The Dalai Lama says while he loves President Bush, he feels President Bush has a lack of understanding about reality. And in response, President Bush said today, ‘Yeah, right, like there’s such a thing as a talking llama.’”

Jay Leno: “Hey, new Batman movie opens tonight. … In this one, Batman faces the most evil villain yet, a Countrywide Mortgage lender.”

David Letterman: “Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig,” who turns “63 years old on Sunday. … He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls.”

David Letterman: “You see a lot of strange, interesting things in New York City. For example, on my lunch hour today, I walked up through Central Park. And this was crazy. I saw Jesse Jackson” going “after a squirrel’s nuts.”

Conan O’Brien: “We’re doing things a little differently tonight…because Sen. John McCain is here. … You see, normally on Friday, we would tape our show at 4:30. But to accommodate Sen. McCain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Yeah. Yeah, Sen. McCain wasn’t available at 4:30 because that’s when he eats dinner.”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush’s time in office as quote, ‘a total failure.’” Bush “defended himself, saying, ‘Oh, come on, I’ve hardly spent any time in my office.’”


Laughs From Letterman and Leno

Jul 23, 2008
Jay Leno: “President Bush spoke about the economy today. Did you hear what President Bush said today? He said, ‘I am not an economist.’ Not an economist? He's barely even a president.”

 

Jay Leno: “Yesterday, President Bush lifted the executive ban on drilling for oil in certain parts of the country. … Now, don't confuse that with President Clinton. He was the first to lift the executive ban on drilling in the Oval Office. That was totally different.”

Jay Leno: “In an interview, Barack Obama revealed that he and Michelle had their first kiss while sitting on a curb after he bought her a Baskin and Robbins. … I think that's nice. Usually, when you see a guy buying a date an ice cream cone and asking for a kiss, it's on ‘Dateline Predator.’”

Jay Leno: “In San Francisco, a 75-year-old woman came out of retirement to start a new career as a stripper. 75 years old. See, that's when you know we got to do something about Social Security, okay?”

Jay Leno: “Things are not going well between Madonna and her brother after he released his controversial new book, ‘Life With My Sister, Madonna.’ Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say Madonna's mad at him, but I understand today, she called Jesse Jackson looking for a favor.”

David Letterman: “Well, you know, we're in the middle of a banking crisis. Today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that's good enough for me. Come on, let's go to the park.”

David Letterman: “Brett Favre says he has reconsidered his decision to retire and he wants to get back in the game. Today Hillary Clinton said, ‘You can do that?’”


Laughs From Leno & Conan

Jul 21, 2008
Jay Leno: “Whew! Hot in the valley this week, wasn't it? Over 100 degrees. In fact, actually, Phil Gramm said it was a mental heat wave and we're all a bunch of whiners.”

 

Jay Leno: “Well, Phil Gramm, he's under for calling Americans ‘a bunch of whiners.’ He also said, ‘The country is in a mental recession.’ See, we're experiencing mental slowdown. That's kind of like President Bush.”

Jay Leno: “Earlier this week the Senate approved a new eavesdropping bill which means they're now allowed to listen to what you say without you knowing it. Yeah, yeah. You know who is really upset about this? Jesse Jackson.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right. Because violating the Constitution, breaking the law, used to mean jail time.”

Jay Leno: “The other day, the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties. Remember, he was forced to land? Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plant. You know what they found? The bolts were fine. The bolts on the plane were fine. But apparently, Jesse Jackson has taken some of the nuts off the plane.”

Jay Leno: Jesse Jackson said he “wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? ‘Cut off your testicles? What could that mean?’”

Jay Leno: “Insiders claim that although Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately, he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary. It's the same thing.”

Jay Leno: “Anyway, today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama. And Obama said, ‘Keep your hands where I can see them!’”

Jay Leno: “Some people are saying that the media is biased toward Barack Obama. … He does get the better magazine covers. … Look, here's Barack Obama. He's on the cover of Time, okay? Newsweek, Rolling Stone. Now, I don't want to be unfair, but now look at this. Like for example, McCain, he's on the cover of ‘Codger Beat.’”

Conan O’Brien: Today's New York Times, you heard about this? Has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he's not a natural born US citizen. That's what they're saying, yeah. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies.”

Conan O’Brien: “Jesse Jackson says he's trying to put his remarks about cutting Barack Obama's nuts off…behind him. And he says that Obama has accepted his apology. Yeah. In fact, if he's elected, Obama says he'll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting.”

Conan O’Brien: “This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by the US Black Golfers Association. Yeah. Could make the difference, yeah. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players.”

Conan O’Brien: “Last night, Hillary Clinton appeared at a fund raiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd that Hillary rocks. That's what he said. Yeah, then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff.”


Leno Laughs

Jul 15, 2008
Jay Leno: “Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left, the plane was apparently drifting to the right.”

 

Jay Leno: “Obama’s wife, Michelle, pretty distraught when she first heard the news that his plane had problems. Although, not nearly as distraught as Hillary Clinton when she heard everything was okay.”

Jay Leno: “And as you know, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity. … That shows you what a great country this is. Only in America can a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity.”

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama is now denying that he is e-mail pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. … In fact, his exact words were, ‘I did not have textual relations with that woman.’”

Jay Leno: “And here’s a comment many people are calling racist. This is a stupid thing to say. It seems the Republican Party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the ‘LA Times’ that Barack Obama was just ‘John Kerry with a tan.’ … Well, using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice.” He “went to North Carolina last week to visit 89-year-old Evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham. And he was frail and confused and couldn’t visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great.”

Jay Leno: “And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon. This guy is on top of everything. But Bush said, now, he’s not just for offshore drilling,” he also “says he’s looking for other alternatives. Like, today, he supports drilling for solar energy. See, I don’t think he quite understands.”


Leno & Conan Chuckles

Jul 11, 2008

Jay Leno: "Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left, the plane was apparently drifting to the right."

 

Jay Leno: "As you know, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity. ... That shows you what a great country this is. Only in America can a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity."

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama is now denying that he is e-mail pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. ... In fact, his exact words were, 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'"

Conan O'Brien: "The Democratic convention is being held at a 20,000-seat arena in Denver," but Barack Obama "has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000-seat football stadium. ... Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker." =


Kimmel Quips

Jul 09, 2008
Jimmy Kimmel: "Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? ... Their tour then, I guess, goes...to Toleration, Rhode Island; then to Annoyed, Arkansas; Getting On My Nerves, Virginia"; and "Screaming Fight, Nevada."

 

Jimmy Kimmel: "I guess there was one small incident where she jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run him over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well."


Laughs Late at Night

Jul 07, 2008
David Letterman: “Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns.” But do not “think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period.”

 

David Letterman: “But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium. Court Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down.”

David Letterman: “And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out and peppered a buddy with some bird shot.”


Late Night Humor

Jul 01, 2008
David Letterman: “Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. … Medical experts say this is great because it gives the Obama campaign a much needed shot of boredom.”

 

David Letterman: “Al Gore. Think about it.” If he endorses you, “you’re getting an endorsement from a guy who has received an Academy Award, received a Grammy,” and the “Nobel Prize.” Oh, and “Gore…also won a competitive eating contest.”

David Letterman: “And now, of course, going head to head, you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They’re already putting together debates. Here’s how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question, he wants a five- minute nap.”

Conan O’Brien: “Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. … Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before ‘Wheel of Fortune.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it’s something he would never use. … Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House Library.”

Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. … Yeah, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who Have Been Attacked by Hillary Clinton.” =


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