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February 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jokes from Jay

Feb 25, 2009
Jay Leno: "And at his trial this week, the Iraqi journalist...who threw his shoes" at former President George W. Bush "said he rehearsed the attack for two years." Well, "how embarrassing is that? Guy practiced for two years and he still missed?

 

Jay Leno: "I talked to one of my old high school buddies the other day. ... He did something so stupid. Apparently, he bought a house he could afford. He really should have bought one twice as big and let the taxpayers" take care of it. But "he was living within his means. What an idiot."


Leno Laughs

Feb 24, 2009
Jay Leno: “Hey, the market went up three points today, so the stimulus package is working. Yeah! It’s a miracle!”

 

Jay Leno: “Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high.”

Jay Leno: “President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he’s found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson.”


Lotsa Laughs

Feb 20, 2009
Jay Leno: “Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole.”

 

Jay Leno: “No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, ‘Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.’”

Jay Leno: “And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. … Like, today,” instead “of just saying, ‘Oh, from North to South,’ he said, ‘From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.’” That sounds “so much better than, ‘From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.’”

David Letterman: Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas: “10. Exchange US dollars for currency that’s worth something. 9. Win respect defeating Japan’s top-ranked sumo wrestler. 8. Shift world’s perception of America from ‘hated’ to ‘extremely disliked.’ 7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors. 6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits. 5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso. 4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy. 3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products. 2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled ‘The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby.’ 1. Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama.”

David Letterman: “They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine’s Day,” and “I thought this was surprising – sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment.”

David Letterman: “Here’s what I don’t get. President Obama” was in Denver today, where “he signed the $789 billion stimulus package. That’s great, isn’t it? What do we do when that money’s gone? Where is that money going? I’m not getting any, you getting any? No, nobody’s getting any. Six months, it’ll be gone, ladies and gentlemen.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law.” The “spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice.”


Jokes from Jay

Feb 19, 2009
Jay Leno: “Well, it’s Thursday. You know what that means? Another Obama Cabinet member nominee has quit.”

 

Jay Leno: “Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg…has withdrawn as the nominee for commerce secretary.” In “a statement explaining why he turned it down, he…cited ‘irresolvable conflict.’ So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes.”

Jay Leno: “Michigan Congressman John Dingell” has “set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the US House of Representatives. He’s been there 19,421 days. That’s the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place -- well, if you don’t count Federal prison.”

Jay Leno: “I tell you,” the “economy is in bad shape. … In fact, airlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella.”


Leno & Letterman Laughs

Feb 18, 2009
Jay Leno: "Prosecutors have asked a Federal judge to send...Marion Barry," the former mayor of Washington, DC, "to...jail for failing to file tax returns for the eighth time in nine years. Hasn't paid taxes for eight years straight." So for Barry, it's "either jail or a cabinet position in the Obama Administration. Either one."

 

Jay Leno: "Well, today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank CEOs in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie."

David Letterman: "I hate to be critical this early into the new Administration, but I don't know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary...was in charge of buried treasure."


Late NIght Humor

Feb 17, 2009
Jay Leno: “Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States,” and it was “fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences.”

 

Jay Leno: “I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he’d go, ‘Uh, can I have a hint?’”

Jay Leno: “And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, ‘God wants me to serve.’” But here is “my question. How bad a candidate are you” if “you can’t win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?”

Jay Leno: “Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has filed to run for governor of California. … Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state’s broke. If we’re going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?”

Jay Leno: “Down in Louisiana,” a “porn star named Stormy Daniels” announced that “before she commits to running for US Senate,” she will go “on a statewide listening tour.” Daniels added, and “I’m quoting” here, that she may “‘be a slut and a whore, but’” she is “‘not a criminal.’” But “this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three.”

David Letterman: “Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson,” who has reportedly put on some weight.

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news,” and when “he heard about it, President Bush said, ‘See, it’s complicated, right? It’s not so easy. Doors are hard.’”

Conan O’Brien: “Today, Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a big speech on the economy. … Obama’s speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, ‘Is he Cuban?’”

Jimmy Kimmel: “The Senate” has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is “just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here’s how it’s going to work. On March 1st, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars.”


Loads of Laughs

Feb 13, 2009
Jay Leno: “Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter.” The “good news” is that “since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody.”

 

Jay Leno: “Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The ‘USS Economy.’”

Jay Leno: “And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6%, the worst since 1974,” and economists are now “worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco.”

Jay Leno: “I tell you,” the “economy is in bad shape.” In fact, the “economy is so bad,” President Barack Obama’s “new slogan” is “‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.’”

Jay Leno: “The economy is so bad,” New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez “had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins.”

Jay Leno: “And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. … It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election.”

David Letterman: “Anybody here” in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A “Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems.”

Conan O’Brien: “Things are winding down here on the ‘Late Night’ show. Only ten shows left, including tonight. … A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993,” the “Federal debt was $4 trillion.” Now, “$4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes.”


Leno Laughs

Feb 09, 2009

Jay Leno: "I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay" off the deficit.

 

Jay Leno: "As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'"

Jay Leno: "Speaker of the House...Nancy Pelosi" recently said that "every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' ... I think the Botox is starting to seep into" her "brain."

David Letterman: "Ladies and gentlemen, while you were applauding that joke, another Obama nominee dropped out."


Late-Night Chuckles

Feb 06, 2009
Jay Leno: "Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes." Daschle "was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!"

 

Jay Leno: "And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?"

David Letterman: "Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. ... Remember the old days," when "politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages." Those days seem "pretty sweet now, don't they?"

Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today," Tom Daschle "withdrew his nomination to be the health and human services secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes."


Late Night Humor

Feb 04, 2009

Jay Leno: "How about this? Just a couple of hours ago, the Republican Party elected Michael Steele as the first African-American chairman of the GOP. So that shows you, the Republican Party isn't just for stuffy old white guys anymore. There's plenty of room for stuffy old black guys too now. As long as you're stuffy, you're in."

Jay Leno: "Happy TGIF! You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired, that's what it stands for."

Jay Leno: Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is now "out of a job. He's disgraced. He's unpopular. In fact, today, he got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, welcome to the club.'"

David Letterman: "I'm very excited" and "I think everybody is about the Obama Administration. I mean they get in there, they're doing stuff. They're...active. They're not reactive. They're actually out there doing stuff, as opposed to being squirrelly and defensive all the time. I mean, we had eight years of defensive squirrels."


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