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January 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Obama's First Year

Jan 27, 2010
Jay Leno: "It's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. ... And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party."

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama called Coakley and said, 'Well, we can't win them all.' The same thing he said after the New Jersey governor's race, the Virginia governor's race, 2016 Olympic bid, and the Copenhagen Climate Summit."

Craig Ferguson: "It was a year ago today that the President moved into the White House. An since that time, his hair's gone gray, he's made some people mad at him, he's let down...quite a lot of his supporters, which makes him perfect for his new job, host of 'The Tonight Show.'"


Laughs From Leno & Letterman

Jan 22, 2010
Jay Leno: “As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They’re really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden’s name was put on the do-not-fly list.”

 

David Letterman: “Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and…the trouble they’re having with Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien? … I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer.”


Jokes from Leno, Conan and Fallon

Jan 13, 2010
Jay Leno: Sen. Chris Dodd "allegedly received sweetheart loans from Countrywide Mortgage...while he was chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, although he claims he didn't realize he was getting special treatment. He said he didn't understand how the bank loan system worked, which would be a good argument if you weren't the chairman of the Senate Banking Committee!"

Conan O'Brien: "If he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in federal prison. ... But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber."

Conan O'Brien: "Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. ... Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'The new owner is coming for a visit.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. ... Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner."

Jimmy Fallon: "That couple that crashed the White House state dinner back in November...[is] hosting a party at a nightclub in Las Vegas next weekend. But to get in you have to not be on the list."


Leno Laughs

Jan 07, 2010
Jay Leno: “Good to see everybody. You know, it is good to be back. We were off for Christmas and apparently so was the Department of Homeland Security.”

 

Jay Leno: “I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that’s how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system.”

Jay Leno: “After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. … See, that’s how international travel works. If your name is Senator John Kerry and you’re a former candidate for President of the United States, your travel is limited. If your name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you stow a bomb in your underpants, you pay cash for a one-way ticket after your father called the embassy and said, ‘My kid is an idiot,’ ooh, you can go anywhere you want.”

Jay Leno: “Rush Limbaugh is okay after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. … Fox News sent flowers, MSNBC sent cheese fries.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, no one knows…what caused Rush Limbaugh’s chest pains. But if you’re Rush Limbaugh, it could’ve been a number of things. I mean, the economy’s getting better, the healthcare bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things.”


Letterman's Top 10

Jan 06, 2010
David Letterman: Top Ten Signs There's Something Wrong With The Secret Service 10."Code 13" - Do Not Admit - confused with "Code 31" - Invite For Brunch 9.Keeps revealing President's itinerary on their Twitter page 8.When away from guard post, agents leave key to White House under doormat 7.Earpieces are often tuned to local Morning Zoo 6.President Obama's on his own tomorrow night while security screens "Avatar" 5.Recently let Bush back into White House because he wanted to "do some more Presidentin'" 4.Accidentally spent three weeks protecting Men's Wearhouse President George Zimmer 3.When short of personnel, agents replaced by Walmart greeters 2.Currently have 15 agents protecting Nixon 1.Obama's code name: "The Situation"

 

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