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August 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Kimmel Looks at Presidential Fund-Raising

Aug 19, 2010

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology."

Jimmy Kimmel: "I don't understand why the President has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere."

Jimmy Kimmel: "After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines."


Comics Look at Obama in Florida and More

Aug 18, 2010

Jimmy Kimmel: "The President was in Florida to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican."

Jay Leno: "The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need."

Jay Leno: "According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won't be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club."

Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is only in the movie "The Expendables" for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor."

Jay Looks at Obama's Approval Rating

Aug 13, 2010

Jay Leno: "The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact, he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska."

Jay Leno: "If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs-up from Joe Biden."

Craig Ferguson: "Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles."

Jay Looks at the Flight Attendant Freak-out

Aug 12, 2010

Jay Leno: "A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers."

Jay Leno: "This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly."

Jay Leno: "President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family."

Jay Leno: "The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise."

Jay Looks at the First Federal Income Tax

Aug 10, 2010

Jay Leno: "This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media."

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama."

Jay Leno: "In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout."

Jay, Dave & Co. Mark Obama's Birthday

Aug 06, 2010

Jimmy Kimmel: "Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule."

Jay Leno: "Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush."

Jay Leno: "They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own."

David Letterman: "The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating."

Jimmy Fallon: "Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'"

Late-Night Comics on Obama's TV Strategy and More

Aug 02, 2010

Craig Ferguson: "Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'"

Jay Leno: "President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he’ll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works."

Jay Leno: "Continental announced a new feature called 'self-boarding.' There’s no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It’s part of Continental’s 'Terrorists Fly Hassle-Free' program."

Craig Ferguson: "A federal judge has blocked Arizona’s immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they’re showing us their papers.'"

 

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