June 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

Jay Leno: "Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? Do you know how rare that is these days, that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?"

Jay Leno: "It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion."

Jay Leno: "According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time."

Jimmy Fallon: "New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, 'Anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at ... actually, you'd just better call.'"

Jay Leno: "President Obama laid out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that's progress."

David Letterman: "I'll tell you who's in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He's supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here's what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope."

David Letterman: "Former governor of Utah, Jon Huntsman, is running for president. He's one of those guys that can do everything — he speaks Chinese. In a couple of years we'll all be speaking Chinese, so who cares?"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this, and we'll pay off that deficit in no time."

Conan O'Brien: "According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "A recent study found that today's fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago."

Jay Leno: "According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922."

Jay Leno: "Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home."

Conan O'Brien: "Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'"

Jay Leno: "Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers."

Jimmy Fallon: "According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce."