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August 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Comics Survey the Damage from Irene

Aug 31, 2011

Jay Leno: "Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too."

Craig Ferguson: "Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the '20s."

David Letterman: "President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating."

Comics Look at Obama's Vacation, Gaddafi's Exit

Aug 24, 2011

Craig Ferguson: "I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed in Libya, a peaceful transition to democracy . . . and cheaper gas."

Conan O'Brien: "The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work — so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee."

Conan O'Brien: "Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, Obama now has nine people interested in his house."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting."

Who's on Second?

Aug 18, 2011

Jon Stewart: "How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" (on the media ignoring Paul's second place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll)

Stephen Colbert: "Now that Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for President, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the President riding in a bus."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me."

The Credit Rating Blues

Aug 10, 2011

Jay Leno: "S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England and Greece un-friended us on Facebook."

Jon Stewart: "By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense."

Conan O'Brien: "China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie."

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Aug 08, 2011

 

Jimmy Fallon: "Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen."

Jay Leno: "There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right."

Jay Leno: "They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'"

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