March 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

Jay Leno: "Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up."

David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him."

Conan O'Brien: "Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from the New York Times. Moments later, a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said ‘Heck!’"

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said that North Korea is in a ‘time warp’ that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph."

Jay Leno: "You know what's kind of ironic? This was the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency. He still hasn't created a green job. What happened to those?"

Stephen Colbert: "Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don't have sleeves."

Jon Stewart: "Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember: Places you can get to in a Winnebago go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht go to Romney."

Jay Leno: "A new CBS poll found that 80% of Americans say they're not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20% own gas stations."

Jay Leno: "President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game."

Jay Leno: "Happy birthday to Mitt Romney. He’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died."

Jay Leno: "Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday."

Stephen Colbert (on Jeff Foxworthy campaigning with Mitt Romney): ‎"If you are a multimillionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck."

Conan O'Brien: "This week was the multi-state primary known as ‘Super Tuesday.’ It was followed by ‘Now We're Really Stuck with Romney Wednesday.’"

Stephen Colbert: "It's like the Super Bowl of politics -- if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself."

Craig Ferguson: "Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole."

Conan O'Brien: "It's being reported that Dunkin' Donuts restaurants in China are adding pork donuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?"

Jay Leno: "It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you."

Conan O'Brien: "A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama."

Jimmy Fallon: "Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is."

Jay Leno: "In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November."

Jay Leno: "Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney was so excited, he almost loosened his tie."

Jay Leno: "It was leap day Tuesday. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer."

Jimmy Fallon: "Tuesday marked the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while Wednesday marked the 158th Republican debate."

David Letterman: "Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?"