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September 2013 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

It's a Matter of National Security

Sep 09, 2013

"The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him you're protecting the country." –Conan O'Brien

"The makers of drones want the media to stop calling their unmanned aircrafts 'drones.' They don't like the name drones. The manufacturers said, we prefer the term 'surprise visitor.'" –Conan O'Brien

"U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 Al Qaeda operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?" –Jay Leno

"I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons Al Qaeda is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn't have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid." –Jay Leno

Anyone for Some Obama Hip Hop and Veggie Weed?

Sep 06, 2013

"Some park rangers in California found a plot on which someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by humans, but I wouldn't rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to find food, and their leader's name is Smokey." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot." –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative – fighting marijuana use through reggae." –Conan O'Brien

"As part of her anti-obesity campaign, First Lady Michelle Obama is releasing a hip hop album. The name of the album is Fat Beats for Fat Kids.'" –Conan O'Brien

Trump (Faux) University

Sep 05, 2013

"The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me." –Jay Leno

"I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn't a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama's birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump and Trump University have been sued by the New York attorney general for running an unlicensed university. They said 'It's illegal. Your university is just like that thing on your head. They're both unlicensed.'" –David Letterman

"Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger." –David Letterman

 

Smartphone Phunnies

Sep 04, 2013

"The new iPhone is coming soon. The new iPhone is going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Then President Obama was like, 'Right. NEW feature.'" –Jimmy Fallon

 

"In North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It is widely believed these phones were secretly built in China and shipped to North Korea. It's hard to believe they built a smartphone, because wi-fi and cellphone data plans are illegal there. You can't even have friends and family in North Korea" –Jimmy Kimmel.

"North Korea has announced that it's developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they've already escaped from North Korea." –Conan O'Brien

Campaign Train Wreck

Sep 03, 2013

"Sixty-two percent of New Yorkers say they are embarrassed by the sex scandals of Anthony Weiner. Weiner said, 'Let me know when that number reaches 69.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll, over 50 percent of New Yorkers say they won't vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what. The other 50 percent say they're going to wait until they see all the other candidates' [privates]. It's called comparison shopping." –Conan O'Brien

 

"Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, 'Boobs, where?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend – not to be confused with his campaign. That's a train wreck. And today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo." –David Letterman

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