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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

A Good Laugh

Sep 04, 2008

Jay Leno: “From what I understand, President Bush” is “very upset” that “John McCain has picked Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate.” Bush “said, ‘Alaska? Why couldn’t he have picked someone from America?’”

Jay Leno: “No, Governor Palin announced, over the weekend, that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter is five months pregnant. Oh, boy! You thought John Edwards was in trouble before.”

Jay Leno: “Well, there’s a lot of controversy about this. Apparently,” Governor Palin “told McCain about” the pregnancy “weeks ago, but…I guess she said it into his bad ear, so he didn’t realize.”

Jay Leno: “Well…in 1984, Sarah Palin came in second in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. Now she could be vice president of the United States.” So for “the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, there was…talk about canceling the Republican convention because of Hurricane Gustav.” In fact, John McCain helped “out during the hurricane. To give you an idea what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was great.”

Jay Leno: “Well, it’s now being reported that in exchange for Hillary’s support, if he is elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? You know the Clintons. If she gets on the Supreme Court, she could demand a recount and declare herself a winner. It’s happened before!”

Jay Leno: “Well, John Edwards, who is scheduled in October to speak at the University of Illinois, has raised his speaking fee from $55,000 to $65,000! Well then again, he has another mouth to feed,” and “another mouth he has to keep quiet.”

David Letterman: “And, of course, the big news” is that “John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate. Apparently, he was turned down by his first choice, [actress] Bonnie Hunt.”

David Letterman: “And you’ve got to love this. Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. … A vice president who likes guns. Well, what could go wrong there?”

Craig Ferguson: “The Republican convention is underway,” but “I’m watching the TV news and there is more coverage on Hurricane Gustav. … Now, a hurricane and the Republican convention are very different, of course. One’s a stormy blast of wind that throws mud everywhere. The other’s a hurricane.”

Craig Ferguson: “John McCain picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. She’s a popular governor, a great public speaker, and she’s raising five kids. So she can definitely change a diaper, which is a skill she’s going need if she is running with John McCain.”

Conan O’Brien: “The Republican convention” has a theme for “each night.” And “the theme” for tonight “is ‘Who is John McCain?’ … Tomorrow night’s theme is, ‘Who forgot to check if the Vice President’s daughter is pregnant?’”

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