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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jokes From Jay

Aug 08, 2008
Jay Leno: “Welcome to ‘The Tonight Show.’ … What a crowd! You sound like Dick Cheney looking at Exxon’s profits.”

 

Jay Leno: “Exxon Mobil reported a second quarter profit of $12 billion,” but that was “actually below the Wall Street expectations for the company. So now, their stock shares have fallen as a result. Boy, what’s that morning meeting like on Monday, huh? You call in the district managers. ‘We only made $12 billion this quarter! My family has to eat!’”

Jay Leno: “Well, yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he’s leaving.”

Jay Leno: “The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card. The Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card, so I don’t know what’s going to happen there.”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him because, and I quote, ‘He doesn’t look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.’ So the choice is, do you want to elect the guy who doesn’t look like the President on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect the guy who looks older than the President on the dollar bill?”

Jay Leno: “It’s been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well, today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was inconceivable…that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, ‘It’s not that inconceivable.’”

Jay Leno: “Yeah, that’s the big talk. They say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See, that’s what killed John Edwards’ chances of being vice president. He decided to go with another woman.”

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on ‘Meet the Press’ that what he’s looking for in a vice president is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which president Bush said, ‘Trust me. That gets old really fast.’”

Jay Leno: “The new song by rapper Ludacris is causing some controversy for Barack Obama,” because “it attacks Hillary and Bush and John McCain in a very distasteful way. … In fact, when John McCain heard that Obama had Ludacris on his iPod, he was stunned. He said, ‘What’s an iPod?’”

Jay Leno: “The McCain campaign has” been running a commercial where they compare “Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities.” Because if “there’s one thing…Republicans will not stand for, it’s electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office -- except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those.”


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