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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

Sep 05, 2008

Jay Leno: “Well…Hurricane Gustav and Hurricane Hanna have been downgraded to tropical storms. That’s certainly good news. Well, this downgrading is quite common. The same thing happened last month to Hurricane Hillary. Remember?”

Jay Leno: “Well, they said that almost all the thousand or so oil rigs in the Gulf had to be abandoned before the storm. And then Dick Cheney said, ‘No, those are my children! No!’”

Jay Leno: “Well, you’ve got to admit, it was kind of amazing, Joe Lieberman who ran as a Democrat in 2000 with Al Gore,” spoke “last night at the Republican convention. … That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally.”

Jay Leno: “And John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train. So, it’s been a while.”

Jay Leno: “You know, I don’t want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush,” but did “you notice when Bush was speaking by satellite, they kept trying to change the channel?”

Jay Leno: “And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP convention. And it gave people who didn’t know anything about her a chance to finally meet her. You know, like John McCain.”

Jay Leno: “I’ve got to admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium, because it’s kind of like Alaska. When you look out over the convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see.”

Jay Leno: “And we’re learning…more and more about John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin,” who is “a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association and a firm believer in shotgun weddings.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the good news, John McCain raised $47 million in the month of August. The bad news, he can’t remember where he put it.”

David Letterman: “You know, Sarah Palin,” the “vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket,” likes “to shoot assault rifles. I’ll say this for her daughter’s boyfriend. The kid’s got guts.”

David Letterman: “And earlier tonight,” Sarah Palin “gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter’s speech.”

Conan O’Brien: “Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. … Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people, it’s for pregnant teenagers.”

Conan O’Brien: “This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. … Yeah, they endorsed McCain, not because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Obviously they’re keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight” at the convention. President Bush “gave a speech last night which couldn’t have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe. And they actually locked Idaho Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men’s room. Either that or he locked himself in. I’m not sure.”


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COMMENTS (1 Comments)

Anonymous
Thanks for the humor, made my day.
1:54 AM Sep 8th
 
 
 
 
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