Late-nite comedy
Sep 05, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well…Hurricane Gustav and Hurricane
Hanna have been downgraded to tropical storms. That’s certainly
good news. Well, this downgrading is quite common. The same thing happened
last month to Hurricane Hillary. Remember?”
Jay Leno: “Well, they said that almost all the
thousand or so oil rigs in the Gulf had to be abandoned before the storm.
And then Dick Cheney said, ‘No, those are my children! No!’”
Jay Leno: “Well, you’ve got to admit, it
was kind of amazing, Joe Lieberman who ran as a Democrat in 2000 with
Al Gore,” spoke “last night at the Republican convention.
… That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence
rally.”
Jay Leno: “And John McCain arrived in Minnesota
today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo
from a train. So, it’s been a while.”
Jay Leno: “You know, I don’t want to say
the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush,”
but did “you notice when Bush was speaking by satellite, they kept
trying to change the channel?”
Jay Leno: “And Governor Sarah Palin gave her
speech tonight at the GOP convention. And it gave people who didn’t
know anything about her a chance to finally meet her. You know, like John
McCain.”
Jay Leno: “I’ve got to admit, she looked
very comfortable at the podium, because it’s kind of like Alaska.
When you look out over the convention floor, nothing but white as far
as the eye can see.”
Jay Leno: “And we’re learning…more
and more about John McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin,” who
is “a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association and a firm
believer in shotgun weddings.”
Jay Leno: “Well, the good news, John McCain raised
$47 million in the month of August. The bad news, he can’t remember
where he put it.”
David Letterman: “You know, Sarah Palin,”
the “vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket,”
likes “to shoot assault rifles. I’ll say this for her daughter’s
boyfriend. The kid’s got guts.”
David Letterman: “And earlier tonight,”
Sarah Palin “gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though
some are claiming it was actually her daughter’s speech.”
Conan O’Brien: “Vice presidential candidate
Sarah Palin has many views. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage.
… Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people,
it’s for pregnant teenagers.”
Conan O’Brien: “This week, John McCain
was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. …
Yeah, they endorsed McCain, not because he supports gay rights, but because
he was actually born in a log cabin.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Obviously they’re keeping
the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight” at the convention.
President Bush “gave a speech last night which couldn’t have
been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which
I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe.
And they actually locked Idaho Senator Larry Craig in the convention center
men’s room. Either that or he locked himself in. I’m not sure.”
