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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

Aug 29, 2008

Jay Leno: “Hey, there’s now talk John McCain may choose a woman as his running mate. So, there’s hope for Hillary yet!”

Jay Leno: “I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech last night” at the Democratic National Convention, but “about that tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing. Maybe I’m wrong, but didn’t Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year?”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama chose Joe Biden” as “his running mate,” and a “lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. … Biden got, what, 8,000 votes during the primaries? Hillary got 18 million votes. Well, that’s logical, sure!”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times the Democrats have fumbled the past couple of years.”

Jay Leno: “Well, as you know, the Democratic convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. … Don’t confuse that with John McCain’s convention next week. That’s at the PoliGrip Center.”

Jay Leno: “Here’s a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in 80 years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him 2 1/2.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush declared some counties” hit by Tropical Storm Fay “disaster areas, so they could get federal assistance. Once again, see, I think Bush means well,” but “I don’t think he really understands. Like, today, he said it’s important to help” Florida, because “he considers it ‘one of our most important allies for when we fight the Georgians.’”

David Letterman: “By the way, if the” presidential “election were held tomorrow, who would vote for Barack Obama,” and who would “vote for John McCain? They are, as you probably know, ideologically speaking, they are two completely different nominees. For example, one offers you hope,” the “other offers you a dish of hard candy.”

Conan O’Brien: “During the Democratic convention…delegates are being warned, this year, not to drink too much. … Yeah, when asked why, Democratic officials said, ‘Last time we got drunk at our convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale.’”

Conan O’Brien: “The publisher of Simon & Schuster came out with a children’s book about Barack Obama. … Yeah, they also came out with a children’s book about John McCain called ‘Horton Gets a Hearing Aid.’”

Conan O’Brien: “A woman in Illinois has discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama.” You “can tell the jeep is Obama’s, because Hillary Clinton keeps trying to get in the driver’s seat.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Barack Obama’s…running mate…spoke tonight” at the Democratic National Convention. And “after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name Biden is beyond me. … Obama, Biden – it’s like they’re trying to make the ticket sound as much like Osama bin Laden as possible.”

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