Late-nite comedy
Jun 25, 2009
Conan O’Brien: “The Navy has dispatched
a destroyer named the USS John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship
that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch
the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.”
Conan O’Brien: “The mayor of Los Angeles,
Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not…going to run for governor
of California. … Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming
governor of California because he was born in this country and you can
understand every word he says.”
David Letterman: “Do you know anything about
this…swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? … He’s in jail
now and they haven’t even sentenced the guy yet. But he’s
in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred
from working in the securities industry. I’m thinking, well, great.
How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150
years?”
David Letterman: “Bernie could be going away
for 150 years. Whoa, man, that’s a long time. I mean, when he gets
out, the Republicans could be back in.”
David Letterman: “Ahmadinejad has declared himself
the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said,
‘Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let’s
go. Let’s get those plans in order. Let’s have some fun.’”
David Letterman: “Anybody here from South Carolina?
… Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford…just disappears
for four days. … Literally, takes a hike. He’s out. And now,
he’s back. And he says, ‘Well what’s the big deal? I
was just on a vacation to clear my head.’ You see, we never had
that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?”
David Letterman: “This is a big story because
his wife, the governor’s wife, had no idea where the guy was for
four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, ‘Hey,
who’s your travel agent? Who, where, how do I – how do I get
in on this?’”
David Letterman: “Here’s a big story, ladies
and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I’m
kind of afraid to say anything.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Everybody, the Department of Homeland
Security says that they will no longer use any US spy satellites for domestic
surveillance. In other words, yes, they will.”
