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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

Aug 21, 2008

Jay Leno: “Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That’s, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh?”

Jay Leno: “Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices, which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free.”

Jay Leno: “Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected.”

Jay Leno: “The International Olympic Committee is saying that the yellow-gray haze over Beijing is not pollution, it is only mist. … Okay, it’s lead mist, but still.”

Jay Leno: “Have you seen China’s slogan for the Olympics? Here it is. “One world, one dream.’ But see the asterisk? Go in close. What does it say? ‘Restrictions apply, Tibet not included.’”

Jay Leno: “And because of this entire Brett Favre situation,” which has “turned out to be such a public relations disaster, the Green Bay Packers have hired President Bush’s former spokesman Ari Fleischer. … So you know what the Packers are going to do now? Invade Iraq.”

David Letterman: “Well, the big debates are coming up.” Barack Obama “wants to debate about foreign policy,” while “John McCain wants to debate about the big band era.”

David Letterman: “You know, I like John McCain. He looks like the guy that hangs out at the driving range,” always “giving you unwanted tips. … ‘You’re topping the ball. You’re top -- give me the club. You’re topping the damn ball!’”

Conan O’Brien: “Of course, Barack Obama” is “still continuing to dominate media coverage. ‘The New York Times’ just did a big piece” in which they “say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he’s a black man who doesn’t make white people feel threatened,” which “explains Obama’s Secret Service code name, ‘Al Roker.’

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