A Good Laugh
Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.
Late NIght Humor
Feb 17, 2009
: “Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States,” and it was “fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences.”
Jay Leno: “I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he’d go, ‘Uh, can I have a hint?’”
Jay Leno: “And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, ‘God wants me to serve.’” But here is “my question. How bad a candidate are you” if “you can’t win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?”
Jay Leno: “Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has filed to run for governor of California. … Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state’s broke. If we’re going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?”
Jay Leno: “Down in Louisiana,” a “porn star named Stormy Daniels” announced that “before she commits to running for US Senate,” she will go “on a statewide listening tour.” Daniels added, and “I’m quoting” here, that she may “‘be a slut and a whore, but’” she is “‘not a criminal.’” But “this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three.”
David Letterman: “Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson,” who has reportedly put on some weight.
Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news,” and when “he heard about it, President Bush said, ‘See, it’s complicated, right? It’s not so easy. Doors are hard.’”
Conan O’Brien: “Today, Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a big speech on the economy. … Obama’s speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, ‘Is he Cuban?’”
Jimmy Kimmel: “The Senate” has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is “just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here’s how it’s going to work. On March 1st, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars.”