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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Laughs From Leno & Conan

Jul 21, 2008
Jay Leno: “Whew! Hot in the valley this week, wasn't it? Over 100 degrees. In fact, actually, Phil Gramm said it was a mental heat wave and we're all a bunch of whiners.”


Jay Leno: “Well, Phil Gramm, he's under for calling Americans ‘a bunch of whiners.’ He also said, ‘The country is in a mental recession.’ See, we're experiencing mental slowdown. That's kind of like President Bush.”

Jay Leno: “Earlier this week the Senate approved a new eavesdropping bill which means they're now allowed to listen to what you say without you knowing it. Yeah, yeah. You know who is really upset about this? Jesse Jackson.”

Jay Leno: “President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right. Because violating the Constitution, breaking the law, used to mean jail time.”

Jay Leno: “The other day, the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties. Remember, he was forced to land? Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plant. You know what they found? The bolts were fine. The bolts on the plane were fine. But apparently, Jesse Jackson has taken some of the nuts off the plane.”

Jay Leno: Jesse Jackson said he “wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? ‘Cut off your testicles? What could that mean?’”

Jay Leno: “Insiders claim that although Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately, he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary. It's the same thing.”

Jay Leno: “Anyway, today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama. And Obama said, ‘Keep your hands where I can see them!’”

Jay Leno: “Some people are saying that the media is biased toward Barack Obama. … He does get the better magazine covers. … Look, here's Barack Obama. He's on the cover of Time, okay? Newsweek, Rolling Stone. Now, I don't want to be unfair, but now look at this. Like for example, McCain, he's on the cover of ‘Codger Beat.’”

Conan O’Brien: Today's New York Times, you heard about this? Has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he's not a natural born US citizen. That's what they're saying, yeah. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies.”

Conan O’Brien: “Jesse Jackson says he's trying to put his remarks about cutting Barack Obama's nuts off…behind him. And he says that Obama has accepted his apology. Yeah. In fact, if he's elected, Obama says he'll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting.”

Conan O’Brien: “This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by the US Black Golfers Association. Yeah. Could make the difference, yeah. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players.”

Conan O’Brien: “Last night, Hillary Clinton appeared at a fund raiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd that Hillary rocks. That's what he said. Yeah, then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff.”

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