A Good Laugh
Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.
Laughs With Leno
Aug 01, 2008
“I guess you’ve heard” that Barack Obama was “elected chancellor of Germany.”
Jay Leno: “As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland,” while “John McCain was in Grandfather Land.”
Jay Leno: “No, Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the french toast combo at IHOP.”
Jay Leno: “You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans yesterday, when Obama arrived in France today, they said, ‘You came alone, right?’”
Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama landed in London just about an hour ago. … And to prepare for his visit to England, he didn’t brush his teeth for four days.”
Jay Leno: “Did you hear about the Dalai Lama?” He had a near-death experience today” when he “met with John McCain.”
Jay Leno: “If you believe there are two Americas, then John Edwards is in trouble in both of them.”
Jay Leno: “The mainstream media now starting to report a story that…John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend’s hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:00 in the morning.” If “this story turns out to be true, there go” Edwards’ “chances of becoming vice president. He could still be governor of New York,” though.
Jay Leno: “Well, yesterday, Federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! … How lost were they? Boy!”
Jay Leno: “And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii.” Jay Leno: “And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. … So that’s where the Constitution went.”
Jay Leno: “And the Coast Guard closed over 100 miles of the Mississippi River after an oil spill of over 400,000 gallons of oil. The Federal government leaped into action…within 30 minutes of the spill. … How does this make the people of New Orleans feel, huh? They get wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, it takes FEMA, what, six days to show up? A barrel of oil spills, the White House goes, ‘No!’ And they’re down there.”
Jay Leno: “Earlier this week, in London, an environmental protester tried to glue himself to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. … See, we don’t do that here. You want to get close to a politician here, you want him to stick, you need cash” and “lots of” it.
Jay Leno: “And the city of Los Angeles has voted to ban all plastic bags starting in 2010,” which “is kind of ironic. So, if you’re caught with marijuana, the pot is fine, but if it’s in a plastic bag,” you are in trouble.
Jay Leno: “And during his concert in New York City, George Michael advised Barack Obama to pick Hillary Clinton as his running mate. … Obama responded by saying he appreciated Michael’s advice, but he’s still waiting to hear from Boy George.”