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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Lotsa Laughs

Feb 20, 2009
Jay Leno: “Yesterday, of course, Presidents Day. And Congress commemorated George Washington’s throwing a dollar across the Potomac by tossing $787 billion down a rat hole.”

 

Jay Leno: “No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, ‘Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.’”

Jay Leno: “And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. … Like, today,” instead “of just saying, ‘Oh, from North to South,’ he said, ‘From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.’” That sounds “so much better than, ‘From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.’”

David Letterman: Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas: “10. Exchange US dollars for currency that’s worth something. 9. Win respect defeating Japan’s top-ranked sumo wrestler. 8. Shift world’s perception of America from ‘hated’ to ‘extremely disliked.’ 7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors. 6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits. 5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso. 4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy. 3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products. 2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled ‘The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby.’ 1. Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama.”

David Letterman: “They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine’s Day,” and “I thought this was surprising – sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment.”

David Letterman: “Here’s what I don’t get. President Obama” was in Denver today, where “he signed the $789 billion stimulus package. That’s great, isn’t it? What do we do when that money’s gone? Where is that money going? I’m not getting any, you getting any? No, nobody’s getting any. Six months, it’ll be gone, ladies and gentlemen.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law.” The “spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he’s still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice.”


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