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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Political laughs

Sep 08, 2009

Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, governor Schwarzenegger was touring a neighborhood damaged by the fire, and he found a charred barbell. Did you see that? He did! He found a charred barbell and picked it up, yeah. Yeah, he picked up the barbell, held it to the sky and said, 'Now it's personal!'"

Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor in Washington is that former vice President Dick Cheney may run for president in 2012. Yeah. Yeah, Cheney decided on 2012 because it's also his cholesterol level."

Conan O'Brien: "The two Asian American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton? Well, they have finally written about their ordeals. That's right, yeah. The two women said, they were frightened, mistreated and violated -- then someone told Clinton to leave them alone."

David Letterman: "Dick Cheney ... He's denying now that he ordered torture. And he says you people who are saying this, go ahead, call it torture if you want, but where I come from, it's just good old-fashioned fun. ... Cheney says that water boarding is not only legal but it's aerobic."

David Letterman: "In 2012 the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket. Dick Cheney and running as Vice President Sarah Palin. Huh? Talk about your dream ticket, ladies and gentlemen. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. ... But Sarah apparently is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got a gig over in China. Very excited because she thinks China is a red state."

Jimmy Fallon: "The President is going to deliver his speech to the nation's schoolchildren next Tuesday. It will be about how if you study hard, you can become the most popular person in the world for eight months, then, suddenly, not so much."

Jimmy Fallon: "Wednesday, Obama will deliver a major primetime health care speech to a joint session of Congress. Side effects may include headaches, nausea and dizziness."

Jimmy Kimmel: "This is a crazy story. Have you heard about the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan? ... You have to imagine when you go to work at a company called Wackenhut, there are going to be some shenanigans. They released some photographs and I thought it would be fun to play a game. These are real photographs. You guess whether it was taken at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan or during spring break on the Mexican Riviera."

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