Jay Leno: "On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently, it's a North Korean rocket."

Bill Maher: "Facebook went public and it is worth $104 billion. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat."

Jimmy Fallon: "This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on Earth. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the Earth."

Conan O'Brien: "Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!"

David Letterman: "Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?"

Jimmy Fallon: "I just read about a new 24-hour daycare that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute. Instead of playing Telephone, the kids just play Tech Support."

Jay Leno: "JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers."

David Letterman: "Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'"

David Letterman: "North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What's going on?"

Jay Leno: "President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?"

Craig Ferguson: "I'm a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that's not the Hollywood I know."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage or evolution."

Conan O'Brien: "The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced Obama to come out in favor of it. So, in a related story, millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot."

Conan O'Brien: "Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for President and it puts me right out.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Apparently Santorum endorsed Romney via e-mail. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'"

Jay Leno: "New predictions out today claim 42% of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh, yeah. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?"