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January 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Leno and Letterman Laughs

Jan 30, 2009
Jay Leno: "As you know, President Barack Obama gave his first sit-down interview as president to an Arab TV network. He's reaching out to the Arab world. In fact, he even made a cameo appearance on one of the biggest sitcoms in the Arab world, 'How I Met Your Mullah.'"

 

Jay Leno: "Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee the Earth is in grave danger from global warming." But "is this the best time to try to convince people that global warming is real, in the middle of a blizzard?" He should come "back in August when the air conditioner is broken, come out with a panting dog, and then maybe...people will listen."

Jay Leno: "And the 'Wall Street Journal' reports that Bill Clinton made $4.7 million last year in speaking fees from foreign countries. And they say this will cause a conflict for Hillary as secretary of state, but Bill has vowed not to cause any problems for her. And believe me, when Bill Clinton makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."

David Letterman: "And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?"

David Letterman: "President Bush, of course, has a place just outside of Crawford, Texas -- Rancho Inepto."


Laughs Late At Night

Jan 29, 2009
Jay Leno: "And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. ... Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They're all on the do not fly list."

 

Jay Leno: "Citigroup" just "got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. ... You know, if there's ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay."

David Letterman: "But I got to say, so far so good for the Obamas. ... The family is settled in. There's the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they're settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint -- and they don't want to make trouble -- but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney's dungeon."


Inaugural Jokes

Jan 26, 2009
Jay Leno: "Well, did you haul hear about this? Because of the flubbed oath of office the other day, Chief Justice John Roberts went over to the White House last night and gave Barack Obama the oath again." Some "legal scholars were concerned that the oath was not given properly, we legally did not have anybody at the helm for 36 hours. Thirty-six hours? We haven't had anybody at the helm for eight years."

 

Jay Leno: "And the Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency. After vice president, speaker of the House, and president pro-tem of the Senate, she is next, which means they're going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the House, and" the president pro-tem of the Senate.

Craig Ferguson: "Today was Hillary Clinton's first day as secretary of state. She's now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle domestic affairs."


Late Night Jokes

Jan 23, 2009
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors."

 

David Letterman: "On this date in 1991, do you have any idea what happened in 1991 on this date? The United States attacked Iraq to start the Gulf War. I'm so glad that's all behind us aren't you?"


Leno Laughs

Jan 20, 2009
Jay Leno: "Did you all see President Bush's farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right."

 

Jay Leno: "President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas welcoming him. You know, as a President who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas cowboys."


Late Night Laughs w/Leno

Jan 14, 2009

Jay Leno: "Well, this week the chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?"

Jay Leno: "I guess you heard" that "lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. ... So apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person."

Jay Leno: "Hey, did you all see Barack Obama's speech about the economy yesterday? Very sobering. He told Washington, 'We've arrived at this point due to an era of profound irresponsibility.' And of course, there's only one way out of it. Spend more money we don't have. Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama's mother-in-law is moving into the White House." Well, "if that doesn't get him to solve the economic crisis, nothing will. 'We'll get you your own place, Ma. Don't worry!'"

Jay Leno: "Well, here's something good for the environment. President Bush recently declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments. Again, you see, I don't think President Bush understands the impact of some of these things. When officials said this would create the largest marine reserve in the world, he said, 'Great, let's get some of them to Iraq and Afghanistan. Let's see if we can send them over there.'"

Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad, when he was in the White House the other day, Jimmy Carter thought he was still president."
 


Late Night Laughs with Letterman & Conan

Jan 13, 2009

David Letterman: "Couple of days ago" in "New Jersey," there were "UFO sightings. ... Believe me, it's not an invasion." The aliens are "actually here" because they "want some of that Federal bailout money."

David Letterman: "Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington. I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats." You "know where they put me? ... I'm right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich."

David Letterman: "Vice President-elect Joe Biden...is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school."

Conan O'Brien: "On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine" made by General Motors. ... Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice."


David, Jay & Conan

Jan 09, 2009
Jay Leno: "In an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10."

 

David Letterman: "On this date in 2001," George W. Bush "certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?"

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday," President-elect Barack Obama "described the economy as 'very sick.' ... Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years."


Some Late-Nite Chuckles

Jan 07, 2009

David Letterman: "Here in New York City, guess what, we have an acorn shortage.," and it is "so serious, this acorn shortage, squirrels are asking for a government bailout."

 

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama spent his first fill day in Washington since coming back from" his vacation in Hawaii, but "no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. ... Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson."

Jay Leno: "Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol," who "had her baby. They named the baby Tripp," which "is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby."

David Letterman: Top Ten Signs You Are Watching Too Much Football: "2. Laura has to keep reminding you you're still President for two more weeks."


Late Nite Humor

Jan 06, 2009
David Letterman: "I have a five-year-old son...and I'm a little nervous because I think he was disappointed for Christmas morning. Yup, because after he opened his gifts, he started throwing shoes at me."

Craig Ferguson: “President-elect Obama made a huge announcement this week. He's going to travel to his inauguration by train. I know! This is a big surprise because everybody thought Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water but apparently he is taking the train. I think this is inspiring instead of ‘I think I can, I think I can, I think I can’ Barack Obama's train goes ‘yes we can, yes we can.’”

 

Craig Ferguson: “Obama says he is traveling by train because trains are a symbol of America's history. Also, the federal government is out of money and can't afford plane tickets.”

Conan O’Brien: “‘Oprah Winfrey is not only planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration, she says she's currently looking for a house to buy in Washington, D.C. She's going to buy a house there,. Oprah said she's found a nice little cottage at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.”


Late Night Humor

Jan 05, 2009
Jay Leno: "It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig."

 

David Letterman: "One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe – believe -- Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats."

Conan O'Brien: "The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."


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