David Letterman: "How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. ... In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad."

 

Craig Ferguson: "President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden."

Jimmy Fallon: "Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage."

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Conan O’Brien: “In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. … Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we’re at 17.”

 

Conan O’Brien: “Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. … Alaskans are saying they can’t wait to start reading Palin’s memoirs and then quit halfway through.”

Conan O’Brien: “President Obama’s in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our ‘great allies.’ … He went on to say, ‘Except, of course, for any time we’ve ever been to war.’”

Conan O’Brien: “This is weird. It’s been reported that Saddam Hussein’s gun will be on display in George W. Bush’s presidential library. … Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book.”

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Jimmy Fallon: “Yesterday, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford…met with his wife, Jenny, for the first time since admitting his affair with the woman in Argentina yesterday. It did not go very well. The first thing he asked was, ‘Did I get any e-mails while I was away? I did? Oh, gosh.’ Then he said, ‘Hey, if it’s any consolation, I got you a shot glass at the airport.’”

 

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Conan O’Brien: “Obviously, ladies and gentlemen, a lot of very sad news in the last 24 hours, but it is our job, you know, here at ‘The Tonight Show,’ to keep things light to try to entertain you, which is why I’m particularly thrilled that Governor Sanford of South Carolina is keeping up his end of the bargain.”

 

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier today, Sanford apologized to his cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. And in response, his cabinet members said, ‘An apology is not good enough, we want photos.’”

Conan O’Brien: “In Iran…opposition groups have announced that from now on, they’re going to hold their protest rallies online. … Protestors say they’re going to overthrow the Iranian regime, then they’re going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano.”

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