"This week is the 25th anniversary of Fleet Week, which is early this year, because the people in the Navy and the Coast Guard all wanted to get to the harbor before the oil slick did."
"One of the big gambling Web sites published odds on what species would be the first to become extinct from the oil spill. Unbelievable. You know the odds-on favorite? Democrat."
"In Idaho, Republican congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'"
"The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try to Not Make It Super Obvious.'"
"I heard that Paul McCartney invited the Jonas Brothers to his tribute at the White House next Wednesday because he thinks of them as the next Beatles. The Jonases were like, 'Oh, man, that is so nice of you — who are the Beatles?'"