Jimmy Kimmel: "The President was in Florida to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican."
Jay Leno: "The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need."
Jay Leno: "According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won't be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club."
Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is only in the movie "The Expendables" for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor."