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January 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay and Jimmy Recap the State of the Union

Jan 28, 2011

Jay Leno: "For the State of the Union address, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed?"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks, we finally integrated Washington."

Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears."

Jimmy Kimmel: "He also said we have to 'win the future.' He said that seven different times. I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy."

Jay and Jimmy on the Chinese President's Visit

Jan 21, 2011

Jay Leno: "The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes."

Jay Leno: "Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'"

Jay Leno: "President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Hu Jintao made his first official state visit to the United States. Vice President Joe Biden has been asked not to do his 'Hu's on first' routine."

Jay Looks at Politics vs. Reality

Jan 14, 2011

Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin's reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States."

Jay Leno: "Former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on `Dancing with the Stars.'"

Jay Leno: "Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month."

Craig Ferguson: "The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago."

Jon Stewart Gets Serious about Arizona

Jan 12, 2011

Jon Stewart (on the Arizona shootings):

"I wouldn’t blame our political rhetoric any more than I would blame heavy metal music for Columbine. And that is coming from someone who truly hates our political environment."

"I do think that it's a worthwhile goal not to conflate our political opponents with our enemies, if for no other reason than to draw a better distinction between the manifestos of paranoid madmen and what passes for acceptable political and pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn’t in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let’s at least make troubled individuals easier to spot."

Dave & Co. on Republican Priorities

Jan 10, 2011

David Letterman: "Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go."

Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans' reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading."

Jay Leno: "The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress."

Jay Leno: "Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed."

Dave and Jay on the 112th Congress and Recycled Governors

Jan 07, 2011

David Letterman: "Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back."

Jimmy Fallon: "Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done."

Jay Leno: "President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions."

Jay Leno: "Jerry Brown is governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?"

Jay Speculates on the Arkansas Bird Incident

Jan 06, 2011

Jay Leno: "This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky. Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop."

Jay Leno: "You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting."

Jimmy Kimmel: "We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I trust a governor who's never done steroids."

Stephen Colbert: "One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That’s terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls."

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