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December 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Money's Tight This Christmas Season

Dec 22, 2011

Jay Leno: "According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress."

Jay Leno: "If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there: We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees."

Conan O'Brien: "Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, 'I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.'"

David Letterman: "Newt has a holiday book out -- 'The Newt Before Christmas.'"

Undelivered Holiday Packages and a Lost Drone

Dec 19, 2011

Jay Leno: "Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, 'Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'"

Conan O'Brien: "The other day, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology."

David Letterman: "Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings."

Craig Ferguson: "A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You're promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama."

 

Jay Looks at Debate Gaffes

Dec 16, 2011

Jay Leno: "Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party."


Jay Leno: "Rick Perry said there were eight Supreme Court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

Jay Leno: "Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the 'country of Solyndra.' If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now?"

David Letterman: "Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor."





Jay and Jimmy on Christmas in Washington

Dec 14, 2011

David Letterman: "Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 years in prison. His barber got the death penalty."

Craig Ferguson: "Blagojevich was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama."

Jay Leno: "President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there's a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget."

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