Jay Leno: "Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored him by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'"
Conan O'Brien: "A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in six months.'"
David Letterman: "Mitt Romney is going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini-bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes out from the back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'"
Jimmy Fallon: "McDonald's announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'"