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July 2013 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

2016 Presidential Mess

Jul 23, 2013

"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he will not run for governor for a fourth term, though he hasn't ruled out running for president again. The voters have, he just hasn't." -Jay Leno

"Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." –Conan O'Brien

"Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they'd definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still." –Jimmy Fallon

Snowden Incognito

Jul 22, 2013

"That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito." –Bill Maher

"Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He's just been named Cinnabon Customer of the Month in the Moscow Airport." –David Letterman

"NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, 'Prison it is!'" –Jimmy Fallon

 

Weiner & Spitzer ... Good Luck New York

Jul 19, 2013

"Eliot Spitzer resigned from the governor's office five years ago after he was crushed by a pile of prostitutes or something. But now he's back and what makes this news especially interesting is that one of his opponents, a woman named Kristin Davis, is the madam who supplied him with call girls. It's the classics story of boy meets girl, boy pays for sex with girl, boy resigns in disgrace, and then boy runs against girl he paid for other girls for the office of comptroller. In Africa, they call it Hooker Matata." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer announced he is running for New York City comptroller, and one of his opponents is the madam who supplied him with hookers. There's a tough choice for the voters. One is involved in the most degrading profession of all time, and the other ran a whore house." –Jay Leno

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put hi on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

"With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office, New York City is changing its nickname to "The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife." –Conan O'Brien

Cowboy Up Terrorists

Jul 18, 2013

"It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

"According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That's a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere." –Jay Leno

"Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, 'I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.'" –Conan O'Brien

Hostess Help! Mexico Beat U.S. as Fattest Country

Jul 17, 2013

"The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen. We're no longer the fattest country in the world. That's why they're bringing back Twinkies. The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that's, of course, because they're all living here." –David Letterman

"A new report found that Mexico has passed the U.S. as the most obese country in the world. It doesn't mean we got skinnier. It just means they're fatter than we are. But don't worry – Twinkies are coming back next week, so we should be fine." –Jimmy Fallon

"Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world's fattest nation. The U.S. is now number two. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, 'Is Michelle gone? Cool, it's actually Skittles.'" –Jimmy Fallon

 

 

Letterman's Weiner One-Liners

Jul 05, 2013

"According to the polls, Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place?" -David Letterman

"It'll be a long campaign." -David Letterman

"All the guy has to do is stick it out." -David Letterman

"I hope the guy doesn't get cocky." -David Letterman

"Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling." –David Letterman

 

The Constitution is Gay

Jul 04, 2013

"The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don't need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You're allowed three, and after that, you're done." –Jay Leno

"Until this morning, marriage in the united states was defined as a contract between one man, one woman and the producers of The Bachelor." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That's great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, Abercrombie and Fitch, Ben and Jerry, me and Paul." –David Letterman

"If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that's n institution that bicameral. It's a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation." –Stephen Colbert

Late-Night Politics with Leno

Jul 03, 2013

"The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it's spying on you." –Jay Leno

"What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network." –Jay Leno
"Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term." –Jay Leno

"In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss." –Jay Leno
 

 

Bill Maher on Immigration Reform

Jul 02, 2013

"At the Berlin Wall, Obama said no wall can stand against the people's yearning for freedom that burns in our heart – except for the one we're going to build on the Mexican border." –Bill Maher

"Over in the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They're going to militarize the border. They're going to build a border surge. … Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell. Or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell." –Bill Maher

"We're going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will." –Bill Maher

"I kid the Republicans, but whether it is border security or gun rights or gay issues, they always have the same fear -- someone coming in the back door." –Bill Maher

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