Jay Leno: “Today, of course -- today is the first day of Hanukkah, so happy Hanukkah. As you know, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle where only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. Sounds like the Republicans’ worst nightmare, doesn’t it: A fuel-efficient device that doesn’t use a lot of oil.”

Jay Leno: “The White House announced this week it will not have a new Iraq strategy until after the start of the new year. Apparently, President Bush is hoping Santa will bring him one.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, you hear this about this? CNN said today that President Bush is seriously considering sending more troops to Iraq. So apparently, his goal is to achieve a negative popularity rating.”

Jay Leno: “And the former mayor of Cleveland, Dennis Kucinich, announced he is running for president in 2008. Very smart. He’s trying to get a head start on being eliminated from the race early.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, did you hear about this? A controversial new television ad by an anti-Wal-Mart coalition features this pastor, this minister, asking the question, ‘Would Jesus shop at Wal-Mart?’ … With that name, I’d think he’d be working at Wal-Mart.”

Jay Leno: “I think Jesus would be perfect to work at Wal-Mart. Because think about it. He’s the only one who doesn’t need a health care plan.”

Jay Leno: “To give you an idea how on-edge employers of illegal immigrants have become, now, instead of saying, ‘Welcome to Wal-Mart,’ the elderly greeters pull you aside and go, ‘Are you a cop?’”

Jay Leno: “And maintenance workers for Turkish Airlines celebrated finishing a job ahead of schedule by sacrificing a camel right on the Istanbul Airport tarmac. Unbelievable. They cooked this camel right there in the airport, right in the middle of the, you know, on the tarmac because they finished their job early. Of course, American union members were shocked. ‘What, finishing a job early? What, are they nuts? We’re stunned. What’s wrong with these people? How primitive.’”

Jay Leno: “And U.S. intelligence believes that Cuban leader Fidel Castro is close to death. Yeah, yeah. Well, I understand -- I understand family members already fighting over his ‘58 Buick. Yeah.”