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September 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-Night Laughs

Sep 23, 2009
Jay Leno: "Today is the 158th anniversary of the New York Times. The sad thing is, I read about that online."


Conan O'Brien: "This Sunday, President Obama is going to appear on five different television shows. ... Even more amazing: On all five shows, he plays the wacky neighbor."

Jimmy Fallon: "Thank you, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, for saying that the recession is most likely over. Nothing puts me at ease and restores my confidence like a nice, firm 'most likely.'"

Fallon Funnies

Sep 21, 2009
Jimmy Fallon: "Even the President is talking about Kanye West. Did you hear about this? In an off the record remark recorded by ABC, Obama said that Kanye West was a quote, unquote, 'jackass.' In even bigger news, ABC doesn't understand the meaning of the phrase 'quote, unquote, off the record.'"


Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is on a media campaign for his healthcare program. He'll appear this Sunday on 'This Week,' 'Meet the Press,' Face the Nation,' CNN's 'State of the Union,' and 'Univision.' Meanwhile, Vice President Biden will find out if he's the father on 'Maury Povich.'"

Chuckles from Conan

Sep 17, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "Today, one of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson, the guy who heckled the President, 'a pimple on the ass of progress.' ... Then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered by Obama's healthcare plan."


Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday at the White House, President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins. ... When asked if he likes hockey, Obama said, 'What black man from Hawaii doesn't?'"

Late Night Humor

Sep 15, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "Republican Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on healthcare. ... Obama accepted Wilson's apology and then invited him to appear before a death panel."


Conan O'Brien: "President Obama gave another speech about healthcare, this one to a roomful of nurses. ... Still no word on what Bill Clinton was doing there."

Conan O'Brien: "Sen. Mel Martinez, the only Hispanic Republican in the Senate, officially stepped down. ... The Republican senator who replaced Martinez thanked him, and then had him deported."

David Letterman: "Don't worry about Paula Abdul. You know what she is going to do? I just heard this today. She's running for governor of Alaska."

Jimmy Fallon: "Everybody is talking about the big health speech last night. ... In his speech, President Obama said that he will not sign a healthcare plan that adds one dime to the federal deficit. And then he interrupted himself and said, 'You lie!'"

Jimmy Fallon: "The President said that he wants to bring affordable healthcare insurance to every American. Joe Biden got really excited. He thought he was finally going to meet the GEICO gecko."

Jimmy Kimmel: Rep. Joe Wilson "was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'"

Late-Night Humor

Sep 10, 2009
David Letterman : "There's rumors that Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick Cheney, may run for president in 2012. 2012. No, no. That's his cholesterol."


David Letterman: "I remember when the Obamas first moved in and the Bush girls were given the Obama girls a tour of the White House. And the little girls got scared because they heard the organ music coming from Dick Cheney's underground dungeon."

Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America's schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. ... Yeah, then he said if that doesn't work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid."

Conan O' Brien: President Obama "told them, this is a quote, 'Be careful what you post on facebook.' That's what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden."

Craig Ferguson: "Some Republicans were so mad" about Obama's speech to schoolchildren, "they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker."

Jimmy Fallon: "The President also said that kids -- he told them if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, 'But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.'"

Jokes from Conan and Craig

Sep 09, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "Next Tuesday -- a lot of people talking about this -- President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama 'Best President Ever.'"


Craig Ferguson: "It's a great day for...President Barack Obama. ... He's getting ready for a speech he's giving to schoolchildren tomorrow. And he...said he wants the speech to be at third grade level, so he tested it on Joe Biden."

Political laughs

Sep 08, 2009

Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, governor Schwarzenegger was touring a neighborhood damaged by the fire, and he found a charred barbell. Did you see that? He did! He found a charred barbell and picked it up, yeah. Yeah, he picked up the barbell, held it to the sky and said, 'Now it's personal!'"

Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor in Washington is that former vice President Dick Cheney may run for president in 2012. Yeah. Yeah, Cheney decided on 2012 because it's also his cholesterol level."

Conan O'Brien: "The two Asian American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton? Well, they have finally written about their ordeals. That's right, yeah. The two women said, they were frightened, mistreated and violated -- then someone told Clinton to leave them alone."

David Letterman: "Dick Cheney ... He's denying now that he ordered torture. And he says you people who are saying this, go ahead, call it torture if you want, but where I come from, it's just good old-fashioned fun. ... Cheney says that water boarding is not only legal but it's aerobic."

David Letterman: "In 2012 the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket. Dick Cheney and running as Vice President Sarah Palin. Huh? Talk about your dream ticket, ladies and gentlemen. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. ... But Sarah apparently is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got a gig over in China. Very excited because she thinks China is a red state."

Jimmy Fallon: "The President is going to deliver his speech to the nation's schoolchildren next Tuesday. It will be about how if you study hard, you can become the most popular person in the world for eight months, then, suddenly, not so much."

Jimmy Fallon: "Wednesday, Obama will deliver a major primetime health care speech to a joint session of Congress. Side effects may include headaches, nausea and dizziness."

Jimmy Kimmel: "This is a crazy story. Have you heard about the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan? ... You have to imagine when you go to work at a company called Wackenhut, there are going to be some shenanigans. They released some photographs and I thought it would be fun to play a game. These are real photographs. You guess whether it was taken at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan or during spring break on the Mexican Riviera."

Political funnies

Sep 04, 2009

Conan O'Brien: "State Department's conducting a big investigation into a wild party thrown at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan. ... Of course, in Afghanistan, a wild party is any event where a girl takes her socks off."

Conan O'Brien: "In an interview, President Obama has said that picking up his dog Bo's poop is one of the highlights of his day. ... The interview was published in 'The Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. ... Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it."

David Letterman: "But now, [Dick Cheney] can't keep his mouth closed, and he's talking about he's really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said he can't stand it. He said it's a huge mistake and we shouldn't be doing it. ... And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster."

Jimmy Fallon: "Summer vacation's sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family. They just got back from Martha's Vineyard. And now they're going on another vacation to Camp David. ... Joe Biden is really excited for the car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window."

Jimmy Fallon: "The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. ... I think Obama's getting a little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children."

A few late-nite jokes

Sep 03, 2009

Jimmy Fallon: "Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He's now at 45%, mainly because of this health care thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option."

Conan O'Brien: "Of course, the health care debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. ... It wasn't a political meeting. It was McCain's annual checkup."

Conan O'Brien: "A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book...which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book."

Funnies from late-nite shows

Sep 02, 2009

Conan O'Brien: "Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama's hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. ... Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year."

David Letterman: "It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He's out there. He's upset. He's attacking people. He's shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. ... He says...'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then...he went back to his private island to hunt human prey."

Craig Ferguson: "Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway."

Late-nite laughs

Sep 01, 2009

David Letterman: "Well, the Obama family is taking a vacation up there in Martha's Vineyard. It is a good time for the President to take a vacation, I think. I mean, everything is fixed, right? Well, why not knock off?"

David Letterman: "Did you hear about this? ... According to financial experts, including Ben Bernanke, the recession may be over. Great, wait till we tell the 11 million people without jobs!"

Conan O'Brien: "A lot of new information coming out about the CIA interrogation techniques. They're investigating the CIA on interrogation of terror suspects. And it was reported now that CIA torture techniques include making terror suspects wear diapers. ... The CIA calls this technique 'The Larry King.'"

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