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April 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jokes from Fallon & Letterman

Apr 13, 2010
David Letterman: "Hey, here's another deal going on over at the Jacob Javitz Center. It's the annual New York City Auto Show. I like the new tiny cars. ... Like the gas-saving, the tiny little semi-hybrid electric things with the fewer seats. You know, they have fewer seats, just like the Democrats after November, fewer seats."

 

Jimmy Fallon: "Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the US will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'"


Leno & Letterman Laughs

Apr 12, 2010
Jay Leno: "This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles."

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama announced this week that he is opening more sites for offshore oil drilling. Do you know what that means? If we find enough oil, we could one day invade ourselves."

Jay Leno: "This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a...bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat."

Jay Leno: "In fact, one eyewitness said 'some of the things going on in the club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.' .. Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill."

David Letterman: "Census time, ladies and gentlemen. ... President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law."


Laughs from Leno, Letterman & Fallon

Apr 08, 2010
Jay Leno: "Well, earlier today, President Obama cancelled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil."

 

Jay Leno: "And it looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain."

Jay Leno: "Did you see John McCain with Sarah Palin next to him over the weekend? At first I thought it was Buzz Aldrin on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

David Letterman: Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Oil Drilling Plan. "10. Everyone in America gets a free Sunoco travel mug. 9. Promises not to kill any endangered animals except the really tasty ones. 8. Kids drill free. 7. Drilling won't affect Scott Brown's visits to the beach. 6. Most extensive exploratory undertaking since Harry Smith's colonoscopy. 5. What? What? Ricky Martin's gay? 4. Fifty barrels of oil reserved each year for Mitt Romney's hair – zing! 3. Boys at Halliburton seem happy, which is good enough for us! 2. Provision for drilling the sun for solar power. 1. Drilling will begin in Glenn Beck's yard."

Jimmy Fallon: "Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error."

Jimmy Fallon: "You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one."


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