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November 2012 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Are There Fiscal Cliffs on Mars?

Nov 29, 2012

Jay Leno: "We're headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on election day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on."

Jimmy Fallon: "NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies."

Stephen Colbert: "A decorated war hero has an affair with his biographer, who thinks he's stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an e-mail from a secret account saying, 'Step off.' And the second woman freaks out and contacts her friend, an FBI agent, who launches an investigation but gets pulled off the case because he sexted her a shirtless photo. The war hero's protégé, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon."

Who Will Replace Hillary?

Nov 27, 2012

Jimmy Fallon: "Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job."

Jay Leno: "There are reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death."

Jay Leno: "This whole Petraeus scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry."

Dumb and Dumber

Nov 20, 2012

Jay Leno: "A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car."

David Letterman: "According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber: High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals."

Jimmy Fallon: "It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney's tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, 'Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!' And now he's like, 'Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there's also a downside."

More Jokes for Your Post-Election Hangover

Nov 15, 2012

Jimmy Kimmel: "The election has been over for a week, and already there's a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You'd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the 'I voted' stickers off our jackets."

David Letterman: "James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?"

Jay Leno: "Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff.' The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward.'"

Seth Meyers: "According to poll data, President Obama's victory was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically, Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers."

 

 

Dave & Co. Analyze the Vote

Nov 12, 2012

David Letterman: "I knew Obama was going to win. I know this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out: The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden."

Jay Leno: "Madonna urged her audience to vote for President Obama. You know what' s unbelievable? Madonna has been right in every election since Calvin Coolidge."

Jimmy Fallon: "On Tuesday, Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets."

Conan O'Brien: "Last week, Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And Delaware confessed to being bi-curious."
 

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