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August 2013 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Money Woes

Aug 30, 2013

"So New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. Which is pretty smart, because at that rate, he won't be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013." –Jay Leno

"Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the 'Hypocritic Oath.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job." –Conan O'Brien

"The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn't act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do." –Jay Leno

The Filner Scandal ... Not to be Confused with the Weiner Scandal

Aug 15, 2013

"Seven women have come forward to say they've been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it's a 12-step program. Here's a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women. " –Jay Leno

"Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It's because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across." –Jay Leno

"Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it's only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time." –Jay Leno

"In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever – this is real – Filner's lawyer said if there's any liability, it's the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!" –Jay Leno

You Can Never Have Too Many Weiner Jokes

Aug 13, 2013

"I don't know if I believe this or not, but there's this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, 'It's true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, 'The important thing is I haven't lost my phone.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA's biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He's gonna need a job. We've seen his promo package." –Jay Leno

Who Are We to Judge? Besides, Russia is Doing Plenty of It ...

Aug 12, 2013

"A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world's three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you're done. No competition. " –Conan O'Brien

"The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first musical.'" –David Letterman

"The big 'Smurfs' movie sequel is out. It's cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, 'Who am I to judge them?'" –David Letterman

"Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that's what the Tony Awards are for." –Jay Leno

Scandals, Scandals and More Scandals

Aug 09, 2013

"The latest scandal for Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern a 'slut bag .' But Weiner says he won't fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, 'How about we just stand side by side?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"More problems for America's creepiest mayor, San Diego's Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would've come forward sooner but the line was too long." –Jay Leno

"At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan's smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race." –Conan O'Brien

"It seems an audio sex tape that Monica Lewinksy recorded for Bill Clinton at the height of their affair back in the 1990s has now been leaked to the National Enquirer. With all these scandals involving Anthony Weiner and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, it's nice to see an old pro come out of retirement and show these guys how it's done." –Jay Leno

 

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