Late-Night Laughs

"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman

"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon Stewart on the IRS scandal

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

Conan O'Brien: "According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady."

Jay Leno: "New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?"

David Letterman: "The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" 

Jimmy Fallon: "Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea."

"In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." –Conan O'Brien

"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry about him." –Stephen Colbert

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno

"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that's how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country." –Jay Leno

"That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence." –Jay Leno