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November 2008 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Pilgrims & Bailouts

Nov 26, 2008
David Letterman: “Here’s some fascinating historical info. On this date in 1620,” pilgrims “landed on Plymouth Rock” and “immediately applied for a government bailout.”

 

Conan O’Brien: “The three auto companies in the United States” are “all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well, this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. … Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, ‘$25 billion.’”

Conan O’Brien: “This week, a New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. … Yeah, unfortunately, yeah, no one likes their team’s new nickname, the Fighting Husseins.”


Late-Night Laughs

Nov 24, 2008
Jay Leno: "This weekend, the big auto show opens here in Los Angeles. It's $10 to get in, $25 billion to get out."

 

David Letterman: "There are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins" gave "the Obama girls a tour of the White House." It was "very sweet," but the Obama girls "got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair."

Conan O'Brien: "The auto executives for the Big Three" are "being criticized now," because, before "they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets." In "their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'"


Late-Night Chuckles

Nov 21, 2008
Jay Leno: "Well, it was just reported a few minutes ago, the new attorney general is going to be Eric Holder. Here's what we know about him. His name is Eric Holder."

 

Jay Leno: "It's now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of Secretary of State. That just came out in the news. Actually, this works out...great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can go back to concentrating on domestic affairs."

Jay Leno: "The press is calling...Barack Obama the first wired president because he's very big on e-mails and the Internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America's ready for a black president. We're just not ready for a Blackberry president."

David Letterman: "President Bush is opening up more air space for travel during Thanksgiving. ... You're saying, 'What exactly are you talking about?' I'm talking about air space. You know, like between his ears."

David Letterman: "Barack Obama, like many people, uses" a Blackberry, but the "Secret Service says this is a security hazard," so "they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?"

David Letterman: "Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law," who is "going to be living with him," and they are "talking about Hillary for secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me."

Craig Ferguson: "Everyone is waiting to see what" Barack Obama has "got planned. We already know his economic plan. It's designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler."

Jimmy Kimmel: "It looks like Hillary Clinton might" be Barack Obama's "Secretary of State." Hillary "went from almost being the President to a secretary. It sounds like somebody needs to watch 'Working Girl' again because that's not how it's supposed to work."


Wildfires and Obama

Nov 20, 2008
Jay Leno: "These wildfires continuing to burn here in L.A. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(k)."

 

Jay Leno: Once Barack Obama "becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America's ready for a black president. We're just not ready for a BlackBerry president."

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank."

David Letterman: Thanksgiving is "a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. ... For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother."

Craig Ferguson: "Everyone is waiting to see what" Barack Obama has "got planned. We already know his economic plan. It's designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler."

Conan O'Brien: Barack Obama "met with former political rival John McCain." Both "men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin."

Jimmy Kimmel: Hillary Clinton might become Barack Obama's "secretary of State." She "went from almost being the President to a secretary. It sounds like somebody needs to watch 'Working Girl' again, because that's not how it's supposed to work."


No One Immune From Leno

Nov 19, 2008
Jay Leno: “Here’s a little…Philadelphia history for you. It was on this day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words: ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.’ Death and Taxes, which ironically” were also the Secret Service code names “for John McCain and Barack Obama.”

 

Jay Leno: “Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or as they’re calling it, ‘Plugged Hair meets Plugged Arteries.’”

Jay Leno: “But see that’s cruel. See, I prefer to call them ‘Foot In Mouth’ meets ‘Shot In Face.’”

Jay Leno: “Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican Party and to get it more in touch with average Americans. I got an idea. How about no more luxury cruises?”

Jay Leno: “CNN reporting that President Bush’s approval rating is the all time lowest ever recorded for a president: 76% disapprove of the job he’s doing. The other 24% work for AIG.”

Jay Leno: “I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. … And today Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat.”

Jay Leno: “When they move into the White House, Barack Obama’s going to be getting a dog for his daughters,” but “he’s very strict. He said, ‘You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water, and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?’ And Joe Biden said, ‘Yeah.’”


Leno & Letterman

Nov 18, 2008
Jay Leno: "President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan, 'Maybe we can.'"

 

Jay Leno: "Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting."

David Letterman: "The Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton."


Letterman & Kimmel

Nov 17, 2008
David Letterman: "Today is Veterans Day. John McCain laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Plumber."

 

David Letterman: "John McCain is great, by the way. He's back at his full-time job, yelling at people who park in front of his house."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the President showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline."


Leno Late at Night

Nov 13, 2008
Jay Leno: "President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday. And to tell you the truth, they found with all their differences, they had one thing in common. Neither one of them trust the Clintons."

 

Jay Leno: "There's a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up Secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world, to which Bill said, 'Yes!'"

Jay Leno: "Speaking of young blood, we are very excited. Senator John McCain on the show tonight. And I thought this was very nice. He blew off an interview with Katie Couric to be here."


Letterman & More

Nov 12, 2008
David Letterman: “And Obama believes that the election results gave him a mandate -- a mandate, that is what got that Senator Larry Craig in trouble, wasn't it?”

 

David Letterman: Sarah Palin has “not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose she pistol whipped it.”

Conan O’Brien: “In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama -- there's a town in Japan called Obama -- say they're going to invite Barack Obama to visit. Yeah. And actually, a similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected, and he was invited to Horndog, Thailand.”

Conan O’Brien: “President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. That's right. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin.”

Conan O’Brien: “When they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Yeah. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska.”

Craig Ferguson: Barack Obama “was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency.”

Craig Ferguson: Sarah Palin “went back to Alaska. As she got off the plane yesterday, her supporters chanted ‘2012, 2012.’ When McCain got off the plane, they chanted, ‘Use the handrail, use the handrail. Careful, grandpa.’”


Leno Laughs on Obama

Nov 11, 2008
Jay Leno: “One touching moment the other night during Barack Obama's speech. Oprah was crying, did you see that? Jesse Jackson was crying. Hillary Clinton was crying. I think Hillary's still crying, if I'm not mistaken.”

 

Jay Leno: “And political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, ‘Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented?’”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers.”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama spent his first day as President-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.”

Jay Leno: “Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, ‘Day one, America held hostage.’”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans.”


More Late-Night Election Jokes

Nov 10, 2008
From 11/7/08

Jay Leno: “Well, right after Barack Obama clinched” his victory, “TV cameras caught Jesse Jackson standing at the celebration with tears” in his eyes. Not “because Barack won, because he makes more than $250,000 a year.”

 Jay Leno: “I got to admit, as a comedian, I’m going to miss President Bush, because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn’t give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush called Sen. Obama last night” to “congratulate him and this is an actual quote. He said, ‘What an awesome night for you and your family.’ I think his eloquence is what we will remember most about” Bush.

Jimmy Kimmel: “Obama thanked the President for his call and for all he did to help him get elected.”


Craig Ferguson: "In the news this week, CBS News' Katie Couric asked both presidential candidates" when was "the last time they cried. ... Obama said the last time he cried was at his daughter's birthday. McCain said the last time he cried was when he saw the poll numbers."

 

Craig Ferguson: "This week in 'People' magazine," Sarah Palin "talks about the plans for her daughter's wedding. You know, Bristol's getting married. And Sarah says it's very difficult to find a dress that doesn't clash with the shotgun."

Craig Ferguson: "But" Sarah Palin "is not letting all this criticism of her get her down. She said she's putting the election 'in God's hands,' which is good news for the Democrats because they think Barack Obama is God."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The economy has become the central issue in" the "presidential campaign. I personally...haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?"


Leno & Kimmel on Elections

Nov 07, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well, right after Barack Obama clinched” his victory, “TV cameras caught Jesse Jackson standing at the celebration with tears” in his eyes. Not “because Barack won, because he makes more than $250,000 a year.”

 

Jay Leno: “I got to admit, as a comedian, I’m going to miss President Bush, because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn’t give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “President Bush called Sen. Obama last night” to “congratulate him and this is an actual quote. He said, ‘What an awesome night for you and your family.’ I think his eloquence is what we will remember most about” Bush.

Jimmy Kimmel: “Obama thanked the President for his call and for all he did to help him get elected.”


Post-Election Jokes

Nov 06, 2008
Jay Leno: "Congratulations to Barack Obama on becoming the 44th President of the United States. ... You know, it's amazing. Barack Obama won in Florida and still became President. That never happens."

 

Jay Leno: "Of course, there was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC."

Jay Leno: "Do you realize this is our first black president since the first season of '24'?"

Jay Leno: "People were worried about the 'Bradley effect," but "apparently," that "was not nearly as strong as the 'Bush effect.'"

David Letterman: "Attention passengers, the Straight Talk Express is no longer in service."

David Letterman: "People all over the world...are celebrating" Barack Obama's victory. In fact, Sarah Palin "watched the Russians celebrating from her house."

Conan O'Brien: "All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11:00 last night," except "for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago."

Conan O'Brien: "Hundreds of thousands of people turned out for" Obama's victory rally in Chicago. But there was an "awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said 'proud to be Muslim' and screamed, 'Suckas!'"


Pre-Election Laughs from Leno, Letterman

Nov 05, 2008
Jay Leno: "According to all the studies, somewhere between 8 and 14% of voters are still undecided." Do "these morons" need "another year to figure this out? 'Gee, I wonder where my candidate stands on UFO abductions. I'm going to wait.'"

 

Jay Leno: "I understand the networks...are playing it very, very cautiously. You know, they don't want to show any favoritism. In fact, MSNBC announced today they're not even going to declare Barack Obama the winner until after the votes are counted."

Jay Leno: "It seems fewer and fewer illegals are crossing the border because they can't find jobs. ... See, President Bush does have an immigration policy. It's called his economic policy."

David Letterman: "They're saying now that weather could play a huge part in the campaign. ... For example, in order for McCain to win tomorrow, hell has to freeze over."

David Letterman: "Today, Barack Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia." McCain also "campaigned in two states, panic and desperation."


Leno Election Laughs

Nov 04, 2008
Jay Leno: "I had two kids come by for Halloween, one dressed as Mickey Mouse, the other dressed as an ACORN volunteer trying to register him to vote."

 

Jay Leno: "Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating," but he would "only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year."


Leno, Letterman & Conan

Nov 03, 2008
Jay Leno: "Just six days from today, we'll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud. This is exciting."

 

Jay Leno: "Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks -- Fox, CBS and NBC. ... Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of OxiClean.'"

Jay Leno: "I tell you, though," things are "not looking good for McCain. ... In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet."

David Letterman: "They...say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin." Aides "suspected that there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'"

Conan O'Brien: "Here on NBC, Barack Obama's infomercial preempted the new show 'Knight Rider.' ... So, folks, Obama is not even president yet," and he is "already making America a better place."

Conan O'Brien: "During the speech earlier today, Barack Obama accidentally mixed up his black sitcom characters. He said that Wheezy from 'The Jeffersons' was a character on 'Sanford and Son.' ... And just like that, folks, the election is wide open."


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