Conan O’Brien: “Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who’s the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. … People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don’t do well with Hispanic women.”
Conan O’Brien: “Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. … Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. … I don’t want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
Conan O’Brien: “Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse which they say will be better for the environment than the traditional gas-powered hearse. … Experts say it’s the perfect way to tell everyone at your funeral procession, ‘I’m judging you from beyond the grave.’”
David Letterman: Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses:
“10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating.
9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate.
8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer.
7. Let’s talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall.
6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey.
5. It’s Ahmadinejad’s fault.
4. If you met my wife you’d be fleeing the country too, am I right fellas?
3. Putting together my audition tape for ‘The Amazing Race’.
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?
1. It wasn’t me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno.”
David Letterman: “You guys remember Dick Cheney? Vice President for eight years? … Listen to this -- and by all means try to stay in your seats when you hear the news. Don’t be rushing out to bookstores. He’s written a memoir about his life. Not just a memoir, a thousand pages! … It’s a great book. You can actually use it to stand on to reach a better book.”
David Letterman: “And…President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He’s very upset about what’s going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he’s going to stop smoking Camels.”
Craig Ferguson: “Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? ... He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was.” Today, Sanford “admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I’m like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.”
Craig Ferguson: “The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. … You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen San Diego.”
Jimmy Fallon: “On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That’s pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Needless to say, this is not great news for the Republican Party. So many prominent Republicans have been caught in these types of situations lately: Mark Sanford; Larry Craig; David Vitter; John Ensign from Nevada. And you want to know why this is happening? The gays. That’s right. They’ve destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is what we get.”