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July 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay and Dave on BP's New CEO

Jul 29, 2010
Jay Leno: "President Obama's new message to the American people is 'things could be a lot worse.' We've gone from 'change you can believe in' to 'things could be a lot worse.' The sequel is never as good as the original."

Jay Leno: "An American named Bob Dudley is BP's new CEO. Nice to see an American taking a job from a foreigner for once."

David Letterman: "BP CEO Tony Hayward is being sent to a project in Siberia. He wants to go to a part of the planet that hasn't been ruined yet."

Jimmy Kimmel: "The heat in Washington, D.C., was so bad today that the Supreme Court had to wear their emergency sleeveless robes."

Dave Looks at Leaks, Both Offshore and Online

Jul 28, 2010
Jay Leno: "Ford has moved ahead of Toyota in sales and they say they're not stopping until they see even better results. Not stopping? That's what screwed up Toyota."

David Letterman: "The White House is very upset about a bunch of secret documents about the Afghanistan war that were leaked online. Out of habit, BP apologized."

David Letterman: "BP is firing its CEO, Tony Hayward. They're negotiating a settlement for $18 million. Boy, that'll teach him."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent."

Jay Looks at Congress's Approval Rating

Jul 27, 2010
Jay Leno: "A new poll shows that Congress' approval rating is at a record low of 11 percent. The other 89 percent are going to withhold judgment until Congress actually does something."

Jay Leno: "Democratic Congressman Charlie Rangel was charged with multiple ethics violations. Members of Congress were stunned. They had no idea there was more than one ethic."

Jay Leno: "Have you guys seen this show 'White House Apprentice'? It's a lot like the other 'Apprentice,' but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later."

Late-Night Comics on Financial Reform and More

Jul 23, 2010
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama signed into law a sweeping financial reform. The law started out strong, but got watered down as it went through Congress. Basically, the law now says that Wall Street has to wait an hour after eating to go swimming."

Jimmy Fallon: "British Prime Minister David Cameron is visiting the U.S. and yesterday he and President Obama gave each other pieces of art. That really wasn't necessary, Britain. You've already given us a huge oil painting."

Jay Leno: "Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face."

David Letterman: "New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg proposed turning the city's excess dumpsters into swimming pools. Nothing says summer in New York City like packing a picnic lunch and heading to the dumpster."

Jay and Dave on the iPhone, Toyotas and More

Jul 22, 2010
Jay Leno: "According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington, D.C., has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Let's see, we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses."

Jay Leno: "AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls."

Jay Leno: "Experts are now saying that these thousands of accidents caused by Toyotas were really driver error. The driver error was buying a Toyota."

David Letterman: "It's so hot in New York City that conservatives have started the 'Iced Tea Party.'"

Jay and Jimmy on Oil and Jobs

Jul 19, 2010

Jay Leno: "We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud."

Jay Leno: "Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time 'BP' and 'integrity' have ever been used in the same sentence."

Jimmy Fallon: "BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says."

Jay Leno: "The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved 3 million jobs. But they said there's still more jobs that need to be saved President Obama's, Joe Biden's, Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's…"

 

Comics on a Surprising Appointment and More

Jul 16, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. Did you know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?"

Jay Leno: "Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars."

David Letterman: "This just in: President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia."

David Letterman: "George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog."

 

Late-Night Comics on the Gibson Tape and More

Jul 15, 2010
Craig Ferguson: "BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson."

Jimmy Fallon: "The World Cup final on Sunday was watched by 24.3 million people in the U.S. In related news, there are at least 24.3 million immigrants living in the U.S."

Jay Leno: "A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can't get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden? We can't even get Roman Polanski."

Jay Leno: "Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard."

Jay and Dave on Soccer, Spies and More

Jul 14, 2010
Jay Leno: "Let me say congratulations to Spain. They won the World Cup. Spanish people all over the world celebrated in the streets, except of course, in Arizona."

Jay Leno: "This week, China gave a vote of confidence in the U.S. dollar. Well, you know why? They own them all. Of course they're confident."

David Letterman:
"I thought this was nice. Earlier today, President Obama invited Mel Gibson and his girlfriend to the White House for a beer."

David Letterman: "How about the big spy thing here in New York? Russia gets 10 of their spies and, I think, a commie to be named later."

Leno Asks, How Hot Is It?

Jul 09, 2010

Jay Leno: "Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser."

Jay Leno: "While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later."

Jay Leno: "Well, there was talk the Democrats are going to try and pass an immigration bill this year, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's kind of ironic. The only place that has an immigration plan is Mexico, and their plan is to immigrate here."

Jay Leno: "This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt."

Jay Looks at the East Coast Heat Wave and More

Jul 08, 2010

Jay Leno: "The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down."

Jay Leno: "Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she's trying to help them recruit LeBron James."

Jay Leno: "Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we're fighting to escape British oil."

Jay Leno: "Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran."
 

Dave and Jimmy on the Fourth, the World Cup, and iPhones

Jul 06, 2010
David Letterman: "July 4 is when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives."

David Letterman: "All across the country, it was iPhone mania. Thousands and thousands of people lined up for the new iPhone. Meanwhile, out in Arizona, John McCain was on line for a pay phone."

Jimmy Kimmel: "For the second day, there were no World Cup games. I missed the sound of vuvuzelas so much that I taped a beehive to my head."

Jimmy Kimmel: "Larry King is leaving 'Larry King Live' this fall and the truth is, no one can really fill his shoes — if he even wears shoes. I've never seen his feet, I don't know."

Dave on Larry King and Elena Kagan

Jul 02, 2010
David Letterman: "News from the world of broadcasting. Larry King has announced his retirement. He says he wants to spend more time with his wives."

David Letterman: "Larry's absence creates a void. As a matter of fact, his presence creates a void."

David Letterman: "They're having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?"

Craig Ferguson: "BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed."

Dave on Russian Spies and Hurricane Alex

Jul 01, 2010

David Letterman: "Russian spy ring here in New York City. They were busted in New York City. Once again, they were spotted by an alert T-shirt vendor."

David Letterman: "The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer."

David Letterman: "Billions and billions of barrels of crude oil just surging into the Gulf of Mexico. It's like we essentially have paved the Gulf of Mexico. Cubans are now walking to Miami."

David Letterman: "Now, there's a tropical storm in that area and it may interfere with the clean-up of the Gulf. Too bad, because it was going pretty well."

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