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March 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Comics Ask, How Long in Libya?

Mar 30, 2011

David Letterman: "About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say."

Jay Leno: "Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'"

Conan O'Brien: "President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? 'No, I Wasn't Born There.'"

Jay Leno: "In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman said those positions could be restored if this whole e-mail thing turns out to be nothing but a fad."

Jay and Jimmy Look at the Mess Obama Returned Home to

Mar 28, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House after he got home from South America and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn't get in, Obama said, 'Holy cow, is it 2012 already?'"

Jay Leno: "Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called 'Joe Biden.'"

Jay Leno: "For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress."

David Letterman: "Donald Trump says he will run for President. How would Trump travel as President? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One."

Jay and Dave on War and Peace

Mar 25, 2011

Jay Leno: "We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize."

David Letterman: "We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a "theater" of war, but this is a multiplex."

Bill Maher: "They said the radioactive plume came here today. Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and for once it wasn't your job."

Jay Leno: "Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years."

March Madness: It's More than Just Sports

Mar 23, 2011

Jay Leno: "Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars."


Jay Leno: "The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four."

Jay Leno: "Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more."

Jay Leno: "Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years."

Jay Looks at the Bright Side of the Recession

Mar 16, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter."

Jay Leno: "Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession."

Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich has started a website to gauge whether he should start an exploratory committee to determine whether he should run for President. This is just the type of firm, decisive leadership this country needs."

Conan O'Brien: "A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat."

Federal Waste and Free Pizza

Mar 03, 2011

Jay Leno: "A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it."


Conan O'Brien: "People from all 50 states and 14 foreign countries have donated pizzas to the protesters in Wisconsin. Someone asked, "How can we fix things in Wisconsin?" and someone else said, "I know. More cheese."

Jay Leno: "Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs."
Jimmy Fallon: "Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C."

 

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