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July 2011 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

How Hot Is It?

Jul 26, 2011

Conan O'Brien: "Amid the heat, health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, 'We are home. We have no jobs.'"

Jay Leno: President Obama's 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you're thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion."

Jimmy Fallon: "The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, 'Are there any countries we don't owe money to?'"

Conan O'Brien: "NASA says that without the space shuttle, we'll have to pay the Russians $63 million to take one astronaut into space. And if the astronaut wants to check a bag, it's an extra $15 million."

 

Penalty Kicks and Harry Potter

Jul 20, 2011

Jimmy Kimmel: "The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks."

Craig Ferguson: "It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling."

Jimmy Fallon: "This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan."

Stephen Colbert: "I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?"

 

Sweating Out the Debt and the Heat

Jul 18, 2011

Jay Leno: "In the last month, President Obama's re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more."

Jon Stewart: ‎"If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips."

Bill Maher: "I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country."

David Letterman: "It's so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs."

From the U.S. Debt to the UK Media Scandal

Jul 13, 2011

Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps."

Jay Leno: "Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?"

Craig Ferguson: "One of Rupert Murdoch's British tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working."

Jay Leno: "The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt."

Comics Celebrate the Fourth

Jul 06, 2011

Jimmy Kimmel: "The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can't agree or they're looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families."

David Letterman: "A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while."

David Letterman: "We're celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we'll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese."

Conan O'Brien: "Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?''

Jokes from Waterloo to Times Square

Jul 01, 2011

Stephen Colbert: "Michele Bachmann announced her campaign for the presidency from Waterloo -- a name synonymous with victory."
 
Conan O'Brien: "Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives."
 
Jimmy Kimmel: "Rod Blagojevich was convicted of extortion, wire fraud, bribery, and criminal abuse of styling mousse."
 
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama was in New York the other day. There was an awkward moment in Times Square when he saw the Naked Cowboy and said, 'Please tell me you're not a Democratic congressman.'"
 

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