"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." –Jay Leno

"A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent." –Jay Leno

"This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno '

"The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." –Conan O'Brien

"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien

"China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien

"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno

"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno

"It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon

"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman

"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon Stewart on the IRS scandal

"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal

"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno

Conan O'Brien: "According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady."

Jay Leno: "New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?"

David Letterman: "The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" 

Jimmy Fallon: "Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea."