Aug 22, 2014
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Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Silly Government

Apr 03, 2014

"The White House says it's surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like 'Goodnight Kale,' 'James and the Giant Organic Peach,' and 'The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.'" –Seth Meyers

"U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, 'OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, 'Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.'" –Seth Meyers

 

Sochi Snafus

Feb 21, 2014

"The Olympics are winding down in Sochi, and the Russian Olympic Committee says one of the giant Olympic rings that malfunctioned during the opening ceremony will be working for the closing ceremony. So it looks like Russia will be ready for the start of the Winter Olympics by the END of the Winter Olympics." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two former members of the Russian punk band Pussy Riot were detained by police in Sochi. If found guilty, they could be sentenced to two weeks in a Sochi hotel room." –Conan O'Brien

"Are you watching the Olympics? Whenever I'm watching one of these weird events, I ask myself if this wasn't in the Olympics, would I still be watching it? And the answer is always no." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

'Ands' and 'Buts' and Squeezing Nuts

Oct 17, 2013

"It's gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent. There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who's in the five percent that still approves of Congress?" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new restaurant in New York that doesn't let customers talk to each other during their meals. When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, 'Table for 200 please?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a 'Braveheart' moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: 'Ransom.'" –Jay Leno

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

Amricans Agreeing with the Taliban? This Can't Be Good ...

Oct 16, 2013

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again." –David Letterman

"If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN." –Craig Ferguson

"They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama." –David Letterman

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Shutdown Folly

Oct 03, 2013

"It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn't doing anything." –Jay Leno

"This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: 'You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here's the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has." –Jay Leno

"Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don't have any geniuses." –Jay Leno

"Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government." –Jay Leno

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