"You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing." –David Letterman

"Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to." –The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

"This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman's dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration." –Jay Leno

"The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?" –Jay Leno

"The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues." –Jay Leno

"If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don't you do that?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, 'Why, so you can read our emails faster?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'" –Craig Ferguson

"A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza." –Jay Leno

"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to 'be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time." –David Letterman

"This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, 'I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?" –Jay Leno

"The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." –Jay Leno

"The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, 'Hey, what about me? I didn't have my receipts.'" –Jay Leno

"More problems for the IRS. Isn't that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else's life miserable? Start with that!" –Jay Leno

"IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno