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October 2008 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Laughs from Letterman and Ferguson

Oct 31, 2008
David Letterman: “Hillary Clinton turned 61…yesterday. How about that?” Hillary and Bill “shared a quiet birthday dinner, followed by a quiet breakfast, followed by a quiet lunch.”

 

Craig Ferguson: “Today in the ‘Anchorage Daily News,’ Alaska’s largest newspaper, endorsed Barack Obama. … That’s another newspaper Sarah Palin will never read.”

Conan O’Brien: “The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. … He also said Obama’s trash talking is ‘eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.’”


Elections Fuel Leno Jokes

Oct 30, 2008
Jay Leno: “Well, folks, it’s hard to believe. Just one week left to go” before the presidential “election. It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Do “you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?”

 

Jay Leno: “No, political pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary,” and “the only one of those three that will actually vote for him.”

Jay Leno: “And out on the campaign trail this week,” John McCain “said that Barack Obama is already ‘measuring the drapes’ in White House.” But “I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.”

Jay Leno: “And the longest serving Republican senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. … Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house,” but “here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber.”

Jay Leno: “And after his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat, lost his voice. … Boy, the good news doesn’t stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another. It’s unbelievable!”


Jokes with Jimmy

Oct 28, 2008
Jimmy Kimmel: "Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family." Boy, Palin sure is "representing small town hockey moms, isn't she folks?"

 

Jimmy Kimmel: "Also yesterday," Sarah Palin "told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. That's a major -- not knowing what the job is. I mean, even President Bush will tell you the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House."


Funnies With Ferguson

Oct 27, 2008
Craig Ferguson: "The Pentagon" is "buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for paying $46,000." But it "will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?"

Craig Ferguson: "It wasn't such a great day for John McCain," who "got some support today" from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda "picked him as their choice" for president. Al Qaeda "made this announcement on their website, which begs the question, al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them?"

Craig Ferguson: "In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But…Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure" if "Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000."

Craig Ferguson: "Anyway, the Democrats better watch out," because the "Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe?" Boy, nothing "says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling."

Craig Ferguson: Sarah Palin's "defense was" that "$150,000 doesn't go far when you're a female political candidate, and that's true. Last year, Hillary Clinton spent twice that much on suits at Men's Warehouse."

Craig Ferguson: "The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool," but "I'm thinking if you're going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?"

Kimmel Quips on Obama

Oct 24, 2008
Jimmy Kimmel: Barack Obama is taking time “off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before” the presidential election. But “at this point,” Obama is “far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach.”

 

Jimmy Kimmel: “Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help” Obama “win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nations’ capitol to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain.”


Joe the Plumber Jokes

Oct 23, 2008
Jay Leno: "John McCain got some good news today. 'The Charleston Daily Mail' endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right thing to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two.' So, he's thrilled."

Jay Leno: "Hey, are you…buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he's worried about Joe the plumber's income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and gone, 'Well, this is way too low.'"

Jay Leno: "Well, actually, Joe the plumber, not his real name. Actually, his full name, Joe Hussein the plumber, yeah."

Jay Leno: "And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion…plan for the government to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is that the people who gave us a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money."

Jay Leno: "And you can tell most of these banks have gotten their bailout money already. I went by my bank today. It had a big sign: 'Now making toxic loans again. Come on down.'"

Jay Leno: "Hey, did you see this on the news? A bear jumped a 45-year-old hiker, who managed to grab a stick and beat the bear to death." The hiker "then walked miles to the hospital. Boy, that Sarah Palin is unbelievable!"

Laughs With Letterman & Conan

Oct 22, 2008
David Letterman: "How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture" that "opened today, 'W.'? Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family."

David Letterman: "You know when you have a movie like that about a guy who is alive, you wonder if they took some liberties with the truth. In one scene, I don't know if this is accurate or not, President Bush is seen actually reading a national security memo. And I thought, now, is that -- I don't know."

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin remains very popular." In "fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah," he decided to do so "after he asked" the baby "to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space."

Presidential Politics Still Humor Source

Oct 21, 2008
Jay Leno: "Well, if you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the Plumber story? Last month, he was an investment banker."

 

Jay Leno: "And this Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America.'" He was "on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain."

Jay Leno: "And…McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. … You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life."

Jay Leno: "Well, actually, here's the best story. I just got this from 'The New York Times.' Turns out Joe the Plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes – don't pay them."

Jay Leno: "And the new movie of President Bush opens tomorrow. It is called 'W.'" Apparently, "they chose that title" because "'Body of Lies' was already taken."

Jay Leno: "And happy birthday to Winnie the Pooh," who is "82 years old this week." And he is "still sharp as a tack. In fact, earlier today, Winnie was registered to vote by ACORN in Florida."

David Letterman: "Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney."

David Letterman: "You know who was at the debate last night? Hillary Clinton." But "I am thinking to myself, is it a really good idea to be leaving Bill home alone?"

Conan O'Brien: "And more details coming out about Joe the Plumber." And "I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. … However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate."

Conan O'Brien: "During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University's auditorium. … Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University, but he watched" the debate "from the Delta Gamma sorority house."



Debates Fodder for Late-Night Humor

Oct 20, 2008
Jay Leno: “And of course, people in Hollywood” do not “know how to deal with fires, especially celebrities,” because “when Hollywood celebrities see a burning bush, they rush towards it,” thinking “Barack Obama’s about to speak.”

 

Jay Leno: “And Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said today if it wasn’t for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channels openly rooting for him isn’t enough.”

Jay Leno: “Vice President Dick Cheney was treated, today, for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren’t sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices.”

Jay Leno: “Well, doctors now say drinking alcohol shrinks your brain. … Their proof -- the last eight years of the White House.”

David Letterman: “I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question…who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer.”

David Letterman: “Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I mean, I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta.”

Conan O’Brien: “Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. … Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, ‘Get him!’”

Conan O’Brien: “Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. … Palin said she wouldn’t have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain’s completely out.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote” the debate. They “paid for everything, which is a little…odd because Cindy McCain owns” an “Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona. … I don’t know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain’s not spending nearly enough time working ‘the my wife can get us free beer angle.’ Right?”


Laughing It Up With Leno

Oct 17, 2008
Jay Leno: “Got your costume picked out” for Halloween,” because “I got mine. I’m going to wear my pants with the pockets out and just go as the bank.”

 

Jay Leno: “Actually, the financial news is starting to look pretty good this week. Yesterday, the market was up almost 1,000 points. … In fact, the financial news is looking so good bankers are starting to be rude to customers again.”

Jay Leno: According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming because we’re using less fossil fuel and we’re saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush’s plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!”

Jay Leno: “Barack Obama…says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. … The first woman he wants signed up, Sarah Palin.”

Jay Leno: “And more charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. … This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has been charged with putting a lot of phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy’s been president for the last eight years.”


Letterman's Laughs

Oct 16, 2008
David Letterman: “A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. … You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors.”

 

David Letterman: “President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, ‘It’s a good thing I’m in charge.’ And I know that’s what we’re all thinking.”

David Letterman: “But Bush…says he’s going to tweak the financial package. He’s going to tweak the financial bailout. That’s what he’s doing now. He’s tweaking that financial bailout. That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.”

David Letterman: “Bush…is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he’ll be out of office.”

David Letterman: “You can tell every now and then that” Sarah Palin “spends a lot of time in Alaska, because” after “she dropped the first puck” at the hockey game, she cut “a hole in the ice and began to fish.”

David Letterman: “The third presidential debate is Wednesday night,” and “John McCain says he’s going to win. … Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working.”

Conan O’Brien: “This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. … President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week the US is no longer one of the world’s richest countries.”


Laughs with Leno

Oct 15, 2008
Jay Leno: “Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that’s why they’re closed.”

 

Jay Leno: “Today they gave out the Nobel prize for economics. Why?!”

Jay Leno: “The finance ministers of the world’s top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. … While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he’d feel involved.”

Jay Leno: “Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the ‘worst financial crisis since the Carter Administration.’”

Jay Leno: “But the good news” is that the “stock market went up over 900 points today. … This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since -- actually, it’s the first good thing to happen” to the McCain campaign.

Jay Leno: “Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she’s only been on the national scene a month,” and “already she has an ethics violation. Who says she’s not ready for Washington, huh?!”


Letterman Top 10

Oct 13, 2008
David Letterman: 10. Three times Straight Talk Express has "accidentally" knocked over Obama's mailbox 9. Next debate will be moderated by Jerry Springer 8. McCain keeps referring to opponent as Senator Barack Hussein Obama Bin Laden 7. Sarah Palin says she can see Joe Biden's hair plugs from her house 6. Desperate attempt to connect Obama with the last eight years of Regis 5. No number 5 -- economy so bad, writer putting everything he owns up on eBay 4. They have resorted to "your Vice President's so dumb" jokes 3. Obama claimed McCain's irresponsibility caused the 1929 stock market crash -- he's that old, people! 2. Even Dick Cheney thinks they're being cruel 1. Obama's gloves are off, McCain's teeth are out

 


Chuckles With Conan & Letterman

Oct 09, 2008
David Letterman: “Wasilla, Alaska, is so small, if you pick up” the town’s guide book, “called ‘Things To Do In Wasilla,” it “reads, ‘You’re doing it.’”

 

Conan O’Brien: “The latest political commercial by Barack Obama…attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology.” McCain “was outraged, and he responded in an e-mail, or as McCain calls it, ‘a computer letter from the future.’”


Late Night Comedy

Oct 08, 2008
David Letterman: “Wasilla, Alaska, is so small, if you pick up” the town’s guide book, “called ‘Things To Do In Wasilla,” it “reads, ‘You’re doing it.’”

 

Conan O’Brien: “The latest political commercial by Barack Obama…attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology.” McCain “was outraged, and he responded in an e-mail, or as McCain calls it, ‘a computer letter from the future.’”


Chuckles From Conan

Oct 07, 2008
Conan O’Brien: “Today, the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called a ‘crap sandwich.’” Congress is “already working on a new plan, which they call a ‘crap sandwich with cheese.’”

 

Conan O’Brien: “The presidential debate was held Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Yeah. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own,” while others “say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder.”

Conan O’Brien: “Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric last week. And…they’re saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. Yeah. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential.”


Late Night Humor

Oct 06, 2008
Jay Leno: “As you know, the bailout was voted down,” and people “are stunned. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, if she could have made a facial expression, she would have.”

 

Jay Leno: “I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts and they couldn’t agree on which part to implement first, the smoke or the mirrors.”

Jay Leno: “And once again, you know, President Bush, God bless him, nice man, but I don’t think he understands the gravity of this situation. Like when someone told him WaMu went under, he said, ‘Well, that’s okay, he’s a whale.’”

Jay Leno: “Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night?” A “lot of analysts were calling it a tie. They say neither man stumbled. See, that’s how low the bar is now,” when “not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics.”

Jay Leno: “Sarah Palin…watched the debate very closely,” with “one eye” on it “and the other eye, of course, on Russia.”

Jay Leno: “Well, a lot of Republicans are worried about how Sarah Palin is going to do in the vice presidential debate this Thursday.” She should just “let Joe Biden have the first question. He’ll take 90 minutes to answer. ‘Oh, we’re out of time!’”


One Liners from Leno

Oct 02, 2008
Jay Leno: “President Bush addressed the nation last night. … How many thought they were watching an episode of ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’”

 

Jay Leno: “I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess, and they’re too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?”

Jay Leno: “As far…as this whole” $700 billion “thing is concerned, they keep saying, ‘We have to act now. We have to act now.’ This is like a bad TV offer. ‘Just 10 easy payments of $70 billion each. Operators are standing by, but you have to act now!’”

Jay Leno: “To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion.

Jay Leno: “John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map.”


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