"For the first time in over a year, the Dow hit 10,000. If you don't know...what the Dow is, that is a list of companies President Obama hasn't taken over yet."
Jay Leno: "President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"
Conan O'Brien: "A new poll just came out that shows that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama." Clinton "said she's thrilled....to win a popularity contest a year after it matters."
Conan O'Brien: "One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' ... Not so popular: 'Congressman Barney Frankenstein.'"
David Letterman: "The Dow hit 10,000. ... I can tell though that my portfolio is starting to bounce back. ... Relatives are asking for money again."
Jimmy Fallon: "It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, 'Forget everything I said, this guy's awesome!'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said yesterday that if she had won the presidential election, she would have hired Barack Obama to serve in her cabinet. Come on, he's her boss. What is she going the say? 'That guy, Barack, he's terrible.'"
Jon Stewart: "Stocks have rebounded 53 percent just since March, for, no apparent reason whatsoever. And seeing as you probably didn't buy in March, only 47 percent more to go and you'll have broken even."
Stephen Colbert: "The Dow hits 10,000. People were celebrating in the streets -- unless those were unemployment lines."