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October 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Leno Laughs

Oct 26, 2009
Jay Leno: "Federal agents will no longer go after patients taking medical marijuana or their suppliers under the new guidelines by the Obama Administration. ... President Obama is very smart. He figures if he couldn't appease the left by withdrawing from Iraq or closing Gitmo or appealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'...they'll all be too stoned to care."

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama today agreed to commit an additional 40,000 troops to help fight Fox News."

Jay Leno: "It's getting ugly in the press room. Well, senior White House adviser David Axelrod told reporters that Fox News is just pushing a point of view. Well, yeah. But at least they got a point of view."


Late Night Laughs

Oct 22, 2009
Jay Leno: "For the first time in over a year, the Dow hit 10,000. If you don't know...what the Dow is, that is a list of companies President Obama hasn't taken over yet."

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"

Conan O'Brien: "A new poll just came out that shows that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama." Clinton "said she's thrilled....to win a popularity contest a year after it matters."

Conan O'Brien: "One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' ... Not so popular: 'Congressman Barney Frankenstein.'"

David Letterman: "The Dow hit 10,000. ... I can tell though that my portfolio is starting to bounce back. ... Relatives are asking for money again."

Jimmy Fallon: "It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, 'Forget everything I said, this guy's awesome!'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said yesterday that if she had won the presidential election, she would have hired Barack Obama to serve in her cabinet. Come on, he's her boss. What is she going the say? 'That guy, Barack, he's terrible.'"

Jon Stewart: "Stocks have rebounded 53 percent just since March, for, no apparent reason whatsoever. And seeing as you probably didn't buy in March, only 47 percent more to go and you'll have broken even."

Stephen Colbert: "The Dow hits 10,000. People were celebrating in the streets -- unless those were unemployment lines."


Leno Laughs

Oct 19, 2009
Jay Leno: "Congratulations to President Barack Obama. Won the Nobel Peace Prize. Very exciting. ... Hang on now. Don't get too excited. He hasn't actually collected it yet. Let's see if he can follow through on this. ... He went to Europe for the Olympic thing. That was a sure thing, too. So, let's just wait a minute."

 

Jay Leno: "Actually, when Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good."


Laughs from Letterman

Oct 12, 2009
David Letterman: "Pretty soon, ladies and gentlemen, the former governor of Alaska, you can read her memoir, Sarah Palin's book. It's called 'Going Rogue.' ... I read it. I was disappointed. Three chapters were devoted to cleaning fish."

 

David Letterman: "Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you."

David Letterman: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's a brand new segment for the show. It's called 'Things More Fun Than Reading The Sarah Palin Memoir.' ... 'Number 38: Having your arm ripped off by a shark.'"

David Letterman: "It's the 60th anniversary of China. ... And the reason we're celebrating here in the United States is because China owns all our debt."


Chuckles from Conan

Oct 06, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together...this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. ... The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer."

 

Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin just finished writing her memoirs. ... And her publisher says -- this is a quote - 'It's her words, her life and it's all there in full and fascinating detail.' Yeah, then he said, 'Or so I'm told. I wouldn't read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.'"


Late-Night Humor

Oct 01, 2009
David Letterman: "And then the Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave a hate speech and I thought to myself, where's that 'you lie' guy when you need him?"

 

David Letterman: "But if I could now, in all seriousness, I'd like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad. Short and ugly."

David Letterman: "Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She's traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well prepared it was compelling. It's a year late, but..."

Jimmy Fallon: "But tomorrow, President Obama will be the first president to chair the UN Security Council. That's pretty cool. Meanwhile, Joe Biden became the first vice president to spend six hours in a Brookstone massage chair."

Jimmy Fallon: "Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today to reassure senior citizens about healthcare reform. The seniors didn't really care what Biden said in the speech, they were just happy to outlive it."


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