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March 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Laughs from Jay & Jimmy

Mar 25, 2009
Jay Leno: "We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people...were surprised that the President came to NBC. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives."

 

Jay Leno: "You know, we were also going to have Vice President Joe Biden come out and say a few words, but, you know, it's only an hour show."

Jimmy Fallon: "Big night for the network tonight. Barack Obama became the first sitting president to ever appear on a late night show. He was on 'Leno' tonight. Of course, it doesn't count the time Thomas Jefferson was on 'Larry King.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "I heard this today, a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released." On the tape, "he says he doesn't care what anyone says, he's not giving back his bonus money."


Late Night with Leno

Mar 19, 2009

Jay Leno:
“President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still number one in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!”

Jay Leno: “President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17th in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office.”

Jay Leno: “Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was ‘From Hair to Paternity.’”

Jay Leno: “He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?”

Jay Leno: “The Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that the human body -- that human body odor could be used to tell whether people are lying or not. You can smell someone and tell by their odor whether they're lying. You thought you hated your job?”
 

Jokes with Jay and Jimmy

Mar 16, 2009
Jay Leno: "Hey, did you see this on the news? I thought this was nice. Over the weekend in Washington, DC, First Lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. ... Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic."

 

Jay Leno: "President Obama today came out against human cloning," but "I think he might be a little hasty here" because "there should be exceptions. For example, let's say Obama can find a nominee who has paid his taxes. Clone that guy."

Jimmy Fallon: "Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'"


Chunk of Chuckles

Mar 12, 2009
Jay Leno: “Hey, quite, quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. You may have heard about this. Police were called to the White House. Apparently, President Obama was in a meeting with some potential cabinet nominees. Someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form,” but it “gave them quite a fright.”

Jay Leno: “I love this story. The President’s latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That’s what the paper said today. He’s agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?”

Jay Leno: “And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes.” It is all part “of the government’s ‘Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.’”

Jay Leno: “Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, ‘Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?’ Have you…seen Rush lately?”

Jay Leno: “And according to a top Russian scholar, the US economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people. I think we thought it was going to collapse this year,” so “we’ve got another year to party. Yeah!”

Jay Leno: “And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scheme that screwed $50 billion out of people” is “now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I’ve got a solution for that, okay? It’s called the death penalty.”

David Letterman: “As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party,” but “they’ll probably go with a different body.”

 

David Letterman: “You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He “decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for…$50 billion,” and “now his lovely wife” Ruth “was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that.” She and her husband “say it’s not fraud money, it’s money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires.”

David Letterman: “Here’s a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here’s the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama.” He is a “very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything,” because the swing set “didn’t cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney’s guard tower.”

Craig Ferguson: “According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It’s great. It’s much nicer than the one George Bush used.”


Leno & Fallon Funnies

Mar 05, 2009
Jay Leno: "Nice to see you all here. ... You're so lucky you live in California," because there was a "huge snowstorm" in "Washington, DC." In fact, they are "calling it the city's biggest snow job since that stimulus package."

 

Jay Leno: "Actually, there were some optimistic words today from the Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke," who "told Congress the recession might end this year." Unfortunately, Bernanke "also said" pro football's "Detroit Lions could win the super Bowl and Paris Hilton could get an Oscar. So I don't know. He's a little out of there."

Jimmy Fallon: "Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan."


Late Night Laughs

Mar 03, 2009
Jay Leno: "Well, let's see what's going on in the world. It was this week in 1854 that the Republican Party was founded with only a handful of true believers. Just like today."

 

Jay Leno: "Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. ... Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems."


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