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May 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Late-nite comedy

May 29, 2009

Jay Leno: “President Barack Obama’s in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Actually, one awkward moment -- as Obama was entering the Beverly Hilton, he bumped into John Edwards, who was sneaking out.”

Jay Leno: “People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare.”

Jay Leno: “And we’re learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. … She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because…the Supreme Court’s next session doesn’t begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it.”

Jay Leno: “Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question – ‘Let’s see how you look under that robe.’”

Jay Leno: “And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she’ll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she’s used to be around criminals.”

Jay Leno: “I read in the -- this seems a little scary -- in the paper today, President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea’s nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that’s not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden’s going to go off.”

Jay Leno: “And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he’s really enjoying the fact that he’s no longer president. Hey, join the club.”

Jay Leno: “And the American College of Sports Medicine announced its list of the fittest cities in the United States. It’s surprising -- you know what the number one fittest city is? … Washington, D.C. Number one. Yeah. I wouldn’t have guessed that. But, see, it’s from all of the Democrats running away from Nancy Pelosi, and all of the Republicans running away from Rush Limbaugh. So they all stay in shape. That’s how it works.”

Jay Leno: “Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that’s because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. …But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. … I’m not an economist, but here’s a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us.”

Jimmy Fallon: “President Barack Obama’s in Las Vegas. So, if things go well at the table, General Motors just might make it.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Meanwhile, after running out of options, Chrysler headed to bankruptcy court this morning. That isn’t good. They headed there in a brand new Mitsubishi. That was even worse.”

Jimmy Fallon: “On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a ‘reverse racist.’ I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius.”

A few chuckles

May 28, 2009

Jay Leno: “No, if confirmed,” Sotomayor “would be the country’s first Hispanic judge. In fact, her first order of business, deporting Lou Dobbs.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, ‘Oh, great, a Republican!’”

Jay Leno: “Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won’t sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails.”

Jay Leno: “Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It’s getting nasty. I don’t know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it’s a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?”

Jay Leno: “North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney.”

Jay Leno: “Actually, John Kerry is over [in China] with Nancy Pelosi right now. This is part of the Democrats’ new plan to put all the people who say the wrong things in one place, you know? In fact, Joe Biden flying in as we speak.”

Jimmy Fallon: “History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the US Supreme court, today. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white.”

Late-nite comedy

May 27, 2009

Jay Leno: "Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. ... A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that...means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court."

Jay Leno: "Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars."

Jimmy Fallon: "There's a lot of local pride in Obama's pick because Sonia Sotomayor grew up in the Bronx. Yeah, when reached for comment, she said, 'Don't be fooled by the robes that I got, I'm still, I'm still Sonia from the block.'"

Chuckles from Jimmy & Jay

May 26, 2009
Jay Leno: "Happy Memorial Day, everybody. ... As you know, the banks were all closed today. And tomorrow, surprisingly, some of them may actually reopen."

 

Jay Leno: "I can't believe...Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he is still president, you know?"

Jimmy Fallon: "Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers."


Late-nite comedy

May 20, 2009

Jay Leno: "Hey, there was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden."

David Letterman: "You know Vice President Joe Biden? ... Now they're saying...that he apparently had a couple of drinks and he was shooting his mouth off. And he announced the location of Vice President Dick Cheney -- the old Vice President -- his hiding place. ... And Joe Biden says, 'Well, I know where the heck it is. He had, like, a bunker under his house.' And I was thinking...if you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal a secret about where bin Laden is hiding."

Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. ... The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'"

Late-nite comedy

May 19, 2009

Jay Leno: "General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama."

Jay Leno: "Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. ... He's been our savior here. 'Newsweek' is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks."

David Letterman: "Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney...was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought – where? ... So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. ... Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured."

Jimmy Fallon: "In the new issue of 'Newsweek,' they're calling Barack Obama 'Spock with global sex appeal,' which is a bit of coincidence because 'Time' magazine is calling Joe Biden 'Chewbacca with fur plugs.'"

A Good Laugh

May 18, 2009

Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad, Nancy Pelosi now saying she was misled by E.F. Hutton."

Jay Leno: "Well, let's see what's going on about that whole torture thing. Last week, Nancy Pelosi said she was never briefed by the CIA about their harsh interrogation methods. ... And then after a memo proved she was there and did get briefed, she changed her story to, 'They're lying about me. And they never told me. They didn't tell me anything.'... In fairness to the CIA, they assumed she was paying attention because she didn't blink for three hours."

Jimmy Fallon: "This is a big controversy. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle."

Jay & Dave Jokes

May 13, 2009
Jay Leno: "Hey, did you "watch 'Oprah' yesterday? Ooh, very exciting. Elizabeth Edwards attacked her husband's mistress. John Edwards' mistress, yeah. Somehow John Edwards convinced his wife it was the mistress' fault and she seduced him. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this with your wife, okay? John Edwards is a politician and a trial lawyer. That means he is a professional liar. He knows how to do this. You cannot get away with this. It will not work for you."

 

Jay Leno: "Oh, did you see this? There was a lot of controversy yesterday for National Prayer Day. It seems that President Obama is the first president in recent years not to have a prayer service at the White House. But, you know, I understand that. Between Jesse Jackson and Jeremiah Wright, he hasn't had the best luck with ministers."

 

David Letterman: "'Star Trek' opened today. They have updated things a bit. In this one, the Starship Enterprise is hijacked by Somali pirates."


Jay & Jimmy Joking Around

May 11, 2009
Jay Leno: The "White House says as of now, it is not contained. It could continue to get worse. And they were just talking about Joe Biden."

 

Jay Leno: "Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada, and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work."

Jay Leno: "A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the President is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president."

Jay Leno: "As you may have heard, the White House has a brand-new puppy. I believe his name is Arlen Specter."

Jay Leno: Sen. Arlen Specter "has switched to the Democratic Party. Today, Obama told Republicans, 'Look, we'll give you Biden, call it even.'"

Jimmy Kimmel: "Right now I'm an hour away from a long, luxurious weekend of washing my hands every five minutes and loading my shotguns to fight off any swine flu zombies that might wander into my yard."


Poking Fun at Judges and Joe

May 07, 2009
Jay Leno: Supreme Court Justice David Souter "said he's going to retire next month. ... Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job."

 

Jay Leno: Supreme Court justice "is a job for life. ... There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit."

Jay Leno: "Just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden."

David Letterman: Supreme Court Justice David Souter is "stepping down because he said he wants to spend more time judging his family."


Leno Jokes

May 05, 2009
Jay Leno: "I'm a little bummed out today" because "I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City."

 

Jay Leno: President Obama "told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks."

Jay Leno: "I don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease."

Jay Leno: "Arlen Specter has been a Republican" for a long time, so it has "got to be tough. ... For years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth."


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