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June 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jokes from Conan, David & Jimmy

Jun 30, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “At a press conference yesterday, in case you don’t know, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. … Then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five.”

Conan O’Brien: “A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. … Probably the most shameless had to be, ‘Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.’”

David Letterman: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ‘The Late Show.’ My name is Dave, or as the governor of South Carolina would say, gracias!”

David Letterman: “Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it’s crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked…the 148% of the people who voted for him.”

David Letterman: “President Obama was so upset about the Iranian crackdown…that he told the Iranian diplomats that they would not be invited to the Fourth of July party. … And I said, well, by God, that will teach them right there.”

David Letterman: “And it’s a darn shame because Ahmadinejad makes wonderful potato salad.”

David Letterman: “Turned out the governor…disappears, for like, the weekend. … Finally, his staff said, ‘Don’t worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.’” But it “turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was…with a woman from Argentina. … Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. … And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don’t necessarily have better judgment than white men.”

David Letterman: “What if there is trouble and you can’t find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn’t it? And I’m thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Sorry if you were looking for me before the show. I was just hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

Jimmy Fallon: “There’s another new development in that Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Wait, you can do that?’”

Late-nite comedy

Jun 26, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who’s the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. … People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don’t do well with Hispanic women.”

Conan O’Brien: “Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. … Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. … I don’t want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

Conan O’Brien: “Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse which they say will be better for the environment than the traditional gas-powered hearse. … Experts say it’s the perfect way to tell everyone at your funeral procession, ‘I’m judging you from beyond the grave.’”

David Letterman: Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses:
“10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating.
9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate.
8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer.
7. Let’s talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall.
6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey.
5. It’s Ahmadinejad’s fault.
4. If you met my wife you’d be fleeing the country too, am I right fellas?
3. Putting together my audition tape for ‘The Amazing Race’.
2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone?
1. It wasn’t me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno.”

David Letterman: “You guys remember Dick Cheney? Vice President for eight years? … Listen to this -- and by all means try to stay in your seats when you hear the news. Don’t be rushing out to bookstores. He’s written a memoir about his life. Not just a memoir, a thousand pages! … It’s a great book. You can actually use it to stand on to reach a better book.”

David Letterman: “And…President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He’s very upset about what’s going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he’s going to stop smoking Camels.”

Craig Ferguson: “Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? ... He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was.” Today, Sanford “admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I’m like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses.”

Craig Ferguson: “The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. … You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen San Diego.”

Jimmy Fallon: “On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That’s pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Needless to say, this is not great news for the Republican Party. So many prominent Republicans have been caught in these types of situations lately: Mark Sanford; Larry Craig; David Vitter; John Ensign from Nevada. And you want to know why this is happening? The gays. That’s right. They’ve destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is what we get.”

Late-nite comedy

Jun 25, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the USS John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn’t dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own.”

Conan O’Brien: “The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not…going to run for governor of California. … Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country and you can understand every word he says.”

David Letterman: “Do you know anything about this…swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? … He’s in jail now and they haven’t even sentenced the guy yet. But he’s in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I’m thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?”

David Letterman: “Bernie could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that’s a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in.”

David Letterman: “Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, ‘Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let’s go. Let’s get those plans in order. Let’s have some fun.’”

David Letterman: “Anybody here from South Carolina? … Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford…just disappears for four days. … Literally, takes a hike. He’s out. And now, he’s back. And he says, ‘Well what’s the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.’ You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?”

David Letterman: “This is a big story because his wife, the governor’s wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, ‘Hey, who’s your travel agent? Who, where, how do I – how do I get in on this?’”

David Letterman: “Here’s a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I’m kind of afraid to say anything.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Everybody, the Department of Homeland Security says that they will no longer use any US spy satellites for domestic surveillance. In other words, yes, they will.”

Late-nite comedy

Jun 24, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “Nice vote of confidence for President Obama this weekend. … John McCain, of all people, said that President Obama has ‘done well’ during his first few months in office. … In fact, McCain’s so proud of Obama, he sent him a card with a five dollar bill inside.”

Conan O’Brien: “According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. … The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers.”

Conan O’Brien: “Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like ‘low tar’ and ‘light.’ … The tobacco companies…said from now on they’ll label their low tar cigarettes as ‘less cancerific.’”

David Letterman: “President Barack Obama’s approval rating” of “61%, which I thought was staggeringly high, has now dropped to 56%. … So don’t kid yourselves. Hillary could still win this thing.”

David Letterman: “You folks following the Iranian elections? … Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. … And it got to be so crazy that Iran’s supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera’s most popular show, their number one show over there, which is ‘How I Met Your Camel.’”

David Letterman: “But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. … Well, that’s good enough for me.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after having surgery to repair her broken right elbow. … Yeah, doctors say she’ll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time.”

Late-nite comedy

Jun 23, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “Of course, the big news, the Iranian government trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That’s the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran’s supreme leader declared last week’s presidential election ‘an absolute victory.’ … Then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship.”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of basketball, today, President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers Coach Phil Jackson and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. … And in a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin.”

Conan O’Brien: “On Wednesday night, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. So, yesterday, she worked from home…which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words ‘help me’ with garden gnomes.”

Conan O’Brien: “China is working with Google to block Chinese computer users from accessing pornographic websites. … Chinese officials say the exploitation of young, underage women is reprehensible when it takes place outside a factory.”

David Letterman: “Tomorrow begins Gay Pride Week here in New York City. … I love the Gay Pride Week. Where else can you see 300 guys dressed up like Sarah Palin?”

Jimmy Fallon: “Today, Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said there’s no fraud in the election. The results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders -- Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme and, of course, Diana Ross.”

Late-nite comedy

Jun 22, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran now. And I mean everybody’s worried. This is a true story. … Ashton Kutcher is urging the US government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. … President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he’d get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers.”

Conan O’Brien: “The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. … Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life.”

David Letterman: “And by the way, if…you haven’t bought dad a gift for Father’s Day, you can’t go wrong with the new book by Rush Limbaugh. You know the one I’m talking about? ‘Too Fat to Fish.’”

David Letterman: “Here’s fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick ‘Boom Boom’ Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? … He’s been upgraded from hated to unpopular.”

Craig Ferguson: “Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her elbow. … You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn’t even break his hair.”

Craig Ferguson: “Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she’s telling everybody it was sniper fire.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir Hossein Mousavi actually won the election and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. … The guy can’t win anything.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “President Obama” is “getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They’re taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. … PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl broke the fall, so she is okay.”

Chuckles from Conan and Jimmy

Jun 12, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "Big stuff going on in the world. President Obama gave a big, historic speech yesterday in Egypt. ... President Obama impressed listeners by beginning his speech with the traditional Islamic greeting, 'As-salaamu alaikum.' Yeah, it's very cool. Yeah, it was especially impressive because a year ago, President Bush opened with, 'Shalom, amigos.'"


Conan O'Brien: "President Obama gave the historic speech at Egypt's Cairo University. Yep. Yeah, the crowd at Cairo University loved Obama's speech, especially the joke he made about their rival, Cairo State."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's continuing his world tour. Yesterday, he was in Egypt. Did you see that? He visited the pyramids of Giza and he called them 'awe-inspiring.' That was an improvement over President Bush's tour of the pyramids. He called them 'pointy.'"

Jokes From Conan, David & Jimmy

Jun 11, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday President Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. ... Obama says he hasn't gotten this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann."

David Letterman: "Rush Limbaugh, you know Rush Limbaugh? The new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh. He says now, listen to this, he says now that he might support Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Yes, depending on how much OxyContin he can get his hands on."

Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible -- it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden."

Leno Bows Out Laughing

Jun 04, 2009
Jay Leno: "As you know, this is our last show. ... I want to thank all the people that made it possible: Michael Jackson, Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton."

Jay Leno: "Do you realize when I started this show, my hair was black and the President was white?"

Jay Leno: "There were some tense moments yesterday here in Los Angeles with President Obama. A female reporter...carried, kicking and screaming, away from Air Force One after she insisted on handing President Obama a letter. They picked the woman up, forcibly, carried her away. Same thing they did when Joe Biden tried to get on the plane."

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