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August 2009 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Political laughs

Aug 31, 2009

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain...had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. ... I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin."

Conan O'Brien: "Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. ... His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies."

David Letterman: "Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke" will "serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China."

Chuckles from David & Conan

Aug 28, 2009

David Letterman:
"The Obamas...taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. When something like that happens, it's like a big deal for the community. And people on Martha's Vineyard...are going crazy and they're buying Obama t-shirts, they're buying Obama mugs, they're buying Obama caps. The only thing they're not buying is Obama's healthcare plan."

David Letterman: "But...on Martha's Vineyard, they're serving a new drink inspired by Obama – it's an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn't look so bad."

Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. ... That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama."

Late-Night Humor

Aug 26, 2009
David Letterman: "Remember when the Obama kids first went to the White House and the Bush twins were showing the Obama kids around the White House. And remember what happened? They heard this horrible scream coming from the cellar where Dick Cheney had his dungeon. Remember that? Anyway, Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It's a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called 'Too Fat to Waterboard.'"


Letterman Laugh

Aug 25, 2009
David Letterman: "Congress has been agonizing over healthcare for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about healthcare, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?"


Political funnies

Aug 21, 2009

David Letterman: "Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show."

David Letterman: "Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton -- 63 years old. ... And you know, when someone famous like that has a birthday, people think, well, should we get him something? ... Don't worry about Bill. He's fine. He's doing great. His wife is out of the country most of the time. He couldn't be happier."

David Letterman: "Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. ... I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. ... Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer."

Late-nite comedy

Aug 20, 2009

David Letterman: "You think it's hot here in New York City, it's also hot down in Washington, D.C. It's so hot in Washington, D.C., that today, President Obama invited Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sergeant Crowley to the White House to run through the sprinkler."

David Letterman: "Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil... And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show."

David Letterman: "People are worried that, if the health care plan that the President wants goes through, that a death panel will decide what life-sustaining measures should be applied to...the elderly. ... Well, you know, it's the same thing ABC does with Regis."

Late-nite comedy

Aug 19, 2009

David Letterman: " New York City today. ... It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel."

David Letterman: "The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that."

David Letterman: "Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. ... And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her."

Late-nite comedy

Aug 18, 2009

Conan O'Brien: "Tomorrow, President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park, to see Old Faithful. ... Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Old Unfaithful."

Conan O'Brien: "No, President Obama was in Montana today. ... He met with residents. He held a town hall meeting, and then he went fly fishing. ... Montana residents came from miles around for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see a black guy fly fishing."

Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards...finally admitted that he's the father of his mistress' baby after denying it for over a year. So, it's a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it."

Jimmy Fallon: "Edwards says he's ashamed, he can hardly look himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra four hours a day for him."

Late-nite comedy

Aug 17, 2009

Conan O’Brien: “Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. … Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words.”

Conan O’Brien: “Former President Bill Clinton was recently asked about his wife Hillary's 11-day trip to Africa. And he said, "I wish she were home." … Then he said, "By which I mean, I wish her home was Africa.”

Conan O’Brien: “Speaking of former President Clinton -- have you heard about this? There are two American male hikers and one female hiker imprisoned in Iran. Some people are saying Bill Clinton should go rescue them. … When asked about the idea, Clinton said, "I am one-third on it.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Dick Cheney is back in the news. … He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face.”

Jimmy Fallon: “And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for -- never.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Cheney…also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said, "I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.”

Conan & Fallon Funnies

Aug 10, 2009
Conan O'Brien: "This is actually a true story. It was in the news today. The latest slang dictionary reports that the word Obama means 'cool,' as in 'you are so Obama.' ... Also gaining popularity: the phrase 'shut your Biden-hole.'"


Jimmy Fallon: "A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. ... As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence."

Jimmy Fallon: "Hey, at a concert in Washington, DC, Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack."

Letterman & More

Aug 05, 2009
David Letterman: “Oh, now here is the big fun over the weekend. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, stepped down. … It was a moving day for Sarah Palin. She went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.”


David Letterman: “But I thought her remarks were very thoughtful. In her farewell address, she warned people…of the military-industrial complex. Sarah Palin says look out for the military-industrial complex. And she also reminded folks that doughnuts make you hippy.”

David Letterman: “And I thought this was only to be expected. Sarah Palin took a swipe at certain people in the media. Gosh, I wonder who she had in mind.”

David Letterman: “Big beer fest at the White House. And today, Obama sent Vice President Biden on an emergency goodwill mission for pretzels, so that will be good.”

David Letterman: “But here it is. You have Crowley and you have Gates. And tempers flared. Case of mistaken identity. You have anger. You have accusations. You have name-calling. Sure, let’s add alcohol! Let’s go, let’s pick it up! Why not?”

David Letterman: “You know what they’re saying, that President Obama is trying to do too much too soon. You have heard that criticism? They criticized him for trying to do too much too soon and the fact that he wears baggie jeans. No wonder his poll numbers are going down.”

David Letterman: “But it’s too much too soon. Just kind of the opposite of President Bush, too little too late.”

Craig Ferguson: “The US Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. … When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears, and a moose.”

Jimmy Fallon: “The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White House computer. Gibbs said, ‘Sorry, I will not give a specific reason on why we are blocking Twitter. This concerns international White House – okay, it was Biden. He was playing around again.’”

Late-Night Humor

Aug 04, 2009
David Letterman: "President Obama was on television earlier tonight. They held a TV conference earlier tonight. It's nice to see the guy finally getting some air time, I thought."


Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It's time for Oprah to give him a show."

Jimmy Kimmel: "And the White House actually -- this is true -- rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with 'America's Got Talent'. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for 'Baywatch' once."

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. ... After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. ... It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration."

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