Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, governor Schwarzenegger
was touring a neighborhood damaged by the fire, and he found a charred
barbell. Did you see that? He did! He found a charred barbell and picked
it up, yeah. Yeah, he picked up the barbell, held it to the sky and said,
'Now it's personal!'"
Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor in Washington
is that former vice President Dick Cheney may run for president in 2012.
Yeah. Yeah, Cheney decided on 2012 because it's also his cholesterol level."
Conan O'Brien: "The two Asian American journalists
who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton?
Well, they have finally written about their ordeals. That's right, yeah.
The two women said, they were frightened, mistreated and violated -- then
someone told Clinton to leave them alone."
David Letterman: "Dick Cheney ... He's denying
now that he ordered torture. And he says you people who are saying this,
go ahead, call it torture if you want, but where I come from, it's just
good old-fashioned fun. ... Cheney says that water boarding is not only
legal but it's aerobic."
David Letterman: "In 2012 the Republicans are
now talking about the presidential ticket. Dick Cheney and running as
Vice President Sarah Palin. Huh? Talk about your dream ticket, ladies
and gentlemen. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. ... But Sarah apparently
is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got
a gig over in China. Very excited because she thinks China is a red state."
Jimmy Fallon: "The President is going to deliver
his speech to the nation's schoolchildren next Tuesday. It will be about
how if you study hard, you can become the most popular person in the world
for eight months, then, suddenly, not so much."
Jimmy Fallon: "Wednesday, Obama will deliver a
major primetime health care speech to a joint session of Congress. Side
effects may include headaches, nausea and dizziness."
Jimmy Kimmel: "This is a crazy story. Have you
heard about the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan? ... You have
to imagine when you go to work at a company called Wackenhut, there are
going to be some shenanigans. They released some photographs and I thought
it would be fun to play a game. These are real photographs. You guess
whether it was taken at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan or during spring
break on the Mexican Riviera."