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October 2010 Archive for Late-Night Laughs

RSS By: A Good Laugh

Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.

Jay and Dave Look Ahead to Election Day

Oct 29, 2010

Jay Leno: "Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat -- then it's next Tuesday."

Jay Leno: "According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?"

 
David Letterman: "An amazing thing. This morning I get up to let the dog out into the backyard. Guess what? President Obama is out there talking about the economy."
 

Craig Ferguson: "There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American walked all the way across Paris without getting insulted."

Jay Supports Biden in 2012

Oct 19, 2010

Bill Maher: "A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about the Democrats. Let's talk about those Chilean miners."

Jay Leno: "Vice President Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet."

Jay Leno: "The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics."

Jay Leno: "The Obama administration has lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times."

Jimmy and Jay on Obama's Travel Plans

Oct 11, 2010

Jimmy Fallon: President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house? Oh yeah, right."

Jay Leno: "President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can't imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election."

Jay Leno: "Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs."

David Letterman: "Donald Trump is running for president.... I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring."

Jay and Dave Ask, Who Will Run in 2012?

Oct 08, 2010

Jay Leno: "There are rumors of an Obama-Hillary ticket for 2012, though some insiders say Obama doesn't feel he needs Hillary on the ticket. At this point, I don't think Hillary feels that she needs Obama on the ticket."

Jay Leno: "Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams."

David Letterman: "Trump refers to the White House as a '200-year-old tear-down.'"

Jay Leno: "Former vice president and presidential candidate Walter Mondale criticized President Obama for using teleprompters. He called them 'idiot boards.' Of course, Democrats were stunned. They said, 'Walter Mondale is still alive?'"

Jimmy Fallon on the White House Dog and Video Games

Oct 07, 2010

Jimmy Fallon: "Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as 'sit,' 'stay,' and 'fix the economy.'"

Jimmy Fallon: "EA Sports released a new version of the video game NBA Jam that features Obama, Biden, Bush and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit."

Jay Leno: "Donald Trump may run for president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?"

Jay Leno: "Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden."

Jay and Dave on Political Campaigning, Offshore Drilling and More

Oct 04, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn."

David Letterman: "Scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum."

David Letterman: "BP announced that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout."

Jimmy Fallon: "Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the recession was for?"

Jay Explains Why We're in Trouble

Oct 01, 2010

Jay Leno: "President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed."

David Letterman: "Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah."

Jimmy Fallon: "A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint."

Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list."

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